DOS FLEDANS, Freedonia. Nyelzp “Glorzk” Dovledz, the man hailed as the “Bobby Orr of Freedonian soccer,” died in his sleep here last night. He was 73.
Glorzk defending a Kyrgyzstanian 2-on-1 rush
“We will not see his like again,” said a tearful Timor Blzariak, President of the Freedonian Soccer Federation. “Before Glorkz, young boys would swing sticks at mud dauber nests for exercise. After him, they kicked mud dauber nests for exercise.”
Glorkz is credited with scoring Freedonia’s only goal in World Cup competition, albeit one that counted against his team in an opening round game against Uzbekistan in 1966. When an opposing forward lost control of the ball with two minutes remaining in regulation, Glorkz kicked it past Freedonia’s goalie in order to prevent Uzbekistan from running up the score in a lopsided 8-0 loss. “He was going to score eventually,” Glorkz told reporters at a post-game press conference. “I figured I might as well pad my stats.”
Vicious tackle of Glorkz by Hmeini Karpopopolous in the Caspian East Division Wild Card game, 1968.
When news of the “own goal” reached Freedonia by ham radio set “there was dancing in the streets,” according to Milozcp Hronllkre, the then-cabinet minister for Healthful Recreation & Hobbies. “A postal worker tried to dampen the enthusiasm of the people by telling them that it was not a good thing,” he recalls mistily. “We sentenced him to four years’ hard labor and used his show trial as an excuse to take away the people’s freedom of religion.”
Glorkz falls to the soccer pitch following stiff-arm by Ignacio de Cordoba of Portugal.
The goal made him a national hero and he came to be known as “Glorkz”–an affectionate nickname that means “cuckold”–because his wife was found in bed with the Provincial Sealer of Weights and Measures when he arrived home on the shoulders of fans.
Glorkz declined to take revenge on his wife, saying “My name will live forever in the hearts of my countryman, while you will be scorned as the slut who betrayed me.” The two kissed and then enjoyed a communal feast after the cheering crowd dismembered and roasted the philandering government official.
“Your wife is boffing a Grade II-level bureaucrat!”
A national day of mourning has been declared by Ikknoki Upwert, Freedonia’s Under-Minister of State. Funeral services will be held whenever a sufficient number of Vice Presidents from other countries have landed at the Dos Fledans Multi-Modal Transit Station, the nation’s only airport.