Our Cookie Policy

At Gerbil News Network (“we,” “us” or “Our Platform”) we use cookies to improve our performance and enhance your user experience. This policy explains how and why we do that.

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What are cookies?

Seriously—you don’t know what cookies are? Sheesh.

Cookies are small text files a website puts on your computer when you first visit. The cookie helps the website recognise you the next time you visit. Sort of like how you have to say “Grandma, this is my husband” every Thanksgiving even though you’ve been married, what, like ten years?

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What sort of cookies does Gerbil News Network use?

Generally, there are three different kinds of cookies:

Essential cookies

Some cookies are essential. These include chocolate chip, fig newtons and Girl Scout “thin mints.” Cookies such as the kind topped with coconut are not essential—I mean, you put them in your mouth and you just go “bleh.” If you disable essential cookies you will not be able use all of Gerbil News Network’s features, such as our global Komodo dragon/Mariah Carey tracking device.

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Dance of the coconut Easter cookies

Performance Cookies

We utilise other cookies to analyse how our visitors use Gerbil News Network. For example, does your wife/husband know that you spend so much time on singlesoversixty.com? I didn’t think so. This information allows us to provide a high quality experience by charging you for our Platinum Club Hush Money package.

Functionality Cookies

We use functionality cookies to allow us to remember your preferences. For example, these cookies save you the trouble of typing in your username every time you use Gerbil News Network, and recall your credit card numbers so we can finally afford a getaway weekend with Tina in accounting.

Does anyone else use cookies on Gerbil News Network?

We may also use third party cookies, which are cookies prepared outside the home to raise money to send the yell squad to Orlando, Florida for the National Cheerleading Championship. They used to wash cars but it was taking forever because word would get out that the girls’ nipples were showing through their Lycra cheerleading tops and the line of dads would be backed up for blocks.

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THAT should improve the team’s spirit!

Can you block cookies?

Are you paying attention? Or did you just scroll down to the bottom looking for a little “I Agree” box? WE ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN’T BLOCK COOKIES. That’s because we want you to get the most out of Our Platform, as defined above.

However, if you do wish to disable cookies then you can do so by amending the settings within your browser or mobile device. Good luck with that, you techno-klutz.

Please remember that if you choose to disable cookies, you may find that certain sections of Gerbil News Network don’t work properly. As opposed to other parts of Gerbil News Network that don’t work at all.

More Information

More detail on how we use cookies can be obtained by sending us a stamped, self-addressed envelope with two Kellogg’s Sugar Frosted Flakes box tops and $20—in cash. If you have any queries regarding this Cookie Policy please contact our Privacy Officer by e-mail. For privacy reasons, our Privacy Officer’s e-mail address is private.

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