COLUMBUS, Ohio. Angry crowds of teenage boys descended on Victoria’s Secret headquarters here today in an effort to persuade the lingerie company to retain its current “too sexy” image, which the company has indicated it may drop.
“That is totally insane,” said Adam Feldman, a sophomore at Bernie Kosar High School. “Saying something is ‘too sexy’ is like saying ‘I have too much money’–it doesn’t make sense.”
The youths were reacting to comments by CEO Sharen Turney that the company, which distributes free catalogs of buxom models wearing nothing but pouty expressions and its revealing underwear, had grown “too sexy” and had “forgotten the ultra feminine.” “We did a survey of elderly Trappist monks and determined that 18% preferred women in flannel nightgowns, 27% preferred seed catalogs, and 62% didn’t understand the question,” Turney said at a news conference to discuss fourth quarter earnings. When a reporter pointed out that this added up to more 100%, Turney said “You’ll have to check with accounting–I don’t answer mathematical questions.”
Youth protest has a long and honorable history in Western civilization dating back to the Children’s Crusade of 1212, in which hordes of young people marched to the Holy Land seeking scarce Nintendo MCCXII Boxes, a precursor to the video games of today. When the crusaders reached Jerusalem and discovered that local “Toys Art I and Thou” stores had sold out, they stormed a convent in what is believed to be the first panty raid in history.
Lanz nightgown: Sexy–if you don’t like sex.
Victoria’s Secret designers are said to be secluded in a top-secret “skunk works” design bunker in a Presbyterian church basement in Needham, Massachusetts, where they are working on next season’s line by tracing selections from a Lanz Nightgown catalog. “Lanz has the most erotically-repellent sleepwear on the market today,” said Dianne von de Velde, a reporter for Women’s Wear Daily. “They’re used in third world countries to control the population.”