My Cats, World-Class Porn Dogs

          A Jensen Beach, Florida man found to have child pornography on his computer blamed his cats for jumping on his keyboard.

Associated Press

My wife was out of town, so instead of locking the cats in the basement, I let them roam the house for a change. I knew they’d sleep on the good couch, but what the hell. They’re both males, and we all suffer under the heavy hand of feminine rules that are applied with such unforgiving strictness when she’s around.


Rocco, checking out the babes.

 

I’d fallen right to sleep; I’d stayed up a little too late the night before, smoking a cigar under a full moon, drinking a bottle of red wine with nobody around to say “You have to go to work tomorrow, shouldn’t you come to bed,” blodda blodda blah.


“Can I sign up for the Platinum Club?”

 

I woke up to the sound of tapping in the den next door. My son was home, but he’s been holed up in his room since he arrived home for the summer–why would he be using my computer?


“Check out the nippers on the tabby!”

 

I got up and opened the door to find my cats, Rocco and Okie, with their front paws on the keys, drooling on the foam wrist support.

“What’s going on?” I snapped.

They fumbled around clumsily, reaching for the “Escape” button to change windows, but it was too late.

“What the hell is this?” I asked as I leaned in closer. “CrossDressingPoodles.com? That’s sick!”

“We just stumbled across it,” Okie, the elder of the two, said, innocently. “You know how Grandpa is always talking about getting a dog now that he’s retired? We were . . . uh . . . looking for a pug for him.”

“Yeah,” Rocco said. “We did it for Grandpa–that’s the ticket.”

I looked them in the eyes. Like my sons, neither one of my cats has ever been a very good liar. Why aren’t our schools teaching children to be creative these days? How did I get away with sex, drugs and 3.2% beer when I was a teen? Through thorough and rigorous training in the techniques of fiction.


Okie, going for the mouse.

 

“I’m disappointed in you two,” I said in my best more-in-sorrow-than-in-anger tone.

“Hey, you could have said something when mom had us spayed,” Okie snapped.

“Like what? Remember, I was neutered too,” I replied.

“In more ways than one,” Rocco said out of the side of his mouth, sotto voce through his white whiskers.

“I heard that,” I said, but he just lifted his leg to lick his crotch.

“Bet you wish you could do that,” Okie said with what I thought was a smirk on his face.

“I want you guys to erase your search history–now,” I said emphatically. “I am not going to take the blame for the perverse crap you’re into.”

“Before you call it crap,” Rocco said, taking a break from his auto-eroticism, “remember what Freud said about polymorphous perversity.”


Freud: Sometimes a chew toy is just a chew toy.

 

“I was never that much into him,” I said. “All the budding psychoanalysts I knew in college just wanted to learn how to talk dirty to women in an intellectual way so they could get them into bed.”

“That’s your problem,” Okie said. “You think that’s a bad thing.”

“No, I just found Thorstein Veblen more interesting.”


Thorstein Veblen

 

“Now there’s a guy who knew how to make up for low academic salaries,” Okie said. “He basically screwed every faculty wife at Cornell, Yale and Stanford.”

“You forgot the University of Chicago and the University of Missouri, two schools that are dear to my heart,” I said.

Anyway,” Rocco said, “I had a point back there before you guys took off on a tangent. Freud posited . . . ”

“Ooo–aren’t we intellectual today!” Okie said as he rolled on his back.

” . . . that we have the ability to gain sexual gratification outside socially normative sexual channels.”

“Who’s this ‘we’ you’re talking about,” I said with a critical tone. “Freud wasn’t a veterinarian, you know.”

“Hey,” Rocco said sharply. “Why should humans have all the fun?”

 

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Cats Say the Darndest Things.”

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7 thoughts on “My Cats, World-Class Porn Dogs

  1. I tried to find it in Amazon.com US but only found it in Amazon.co.uk and it wouldn’t let me order it. Do you perchance have a link for Amazon.com? Thanks muchly and many happy meows to you.

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