DELAWARE, Ohio. Scientists at Ohio Wesleyan University, home of “The Big Ear” radio telescope, reported today that they have detected signals from a distant galaxy confirming the existence of a seventh Pointer Sister, a phenomenon predicted by Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity that had stumped stargazers for nearly a century.
“We were channel-surfing when we stopped at VH1,” said astrophysicist Emile Nugent, referring to a cable television network that airs biographies of stars that have faded into obscurity. “In the penumbras of emanations in a grainy rock video from the 1980s we detected a seventh sister ‘Tonya,’ who had eluded all prior attempts to capture her on Tivo.”
“He’s so shy . . .”
The Pointer Sisters are an all-female rhythm ‘n blues singing group from Oakland, California where, according to American expatriate writer Gertrude Stein, “there is no there there.” Over the course of their 46-year career the group has been comprised of six different women, not all of whom are sisters, and the existence of a seventh sister remained largely–and smally–a matter of conjecture. “There was never any doubt about June, Bonnie, Ruth and Anita,” said Norbert Carver, a Professor of Pointerology at Fordham University of the four original Pointers. “When Issa and Sadako Pointer became visible to the naked eye in 2006 and 2009, respectively, the possibility of an additional sister that would make the group a seven-member constellation comparable to the Pleiades seized the minds of scientists at major observatories and shook them like a labrador puppy with a chew toy.”
Einstein predicted the success of the group in his 1905 paper On a Heuristic Viewpoint Concerning the Production and Transformation of “Lite” R&B published in Tiger Beat magazine. His work was vindicated when two of the sisters, June and Bonnie, bent streams of light on the TV dance show “Soul Train.”
The discovery is predicted to be a boon for cable music channels in the THX 1138 spiral galaxy, where the seventh sister orbits in tandem with a member of The Brothers Johnson, another sibling R&B group from the 80s. “We make most of our money on infomercials and religious programming,” said station manager Glorp “Buddy” X21173. “It’s nice to have something besides the Ab Blaster to watch on the monitors.”