Olympic Body Hails Boston’s Plan, City’s Classy Hookers

BOSTON.  Reassuring worried business leaders, the U.S. Olympic Committee yesterday hailed the city’s revised plan to host the 2024 summer games of the XXXIII Olympiad, saying organizers had made “remarkable progress” and that local prostitutes they examined were “first rate hookers.”

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“The quality of a municipality’s commercial sex trade is an important driver of our decisions due to anti-money-laundering laws,” said committee member Herman de Borchgrave.  “It’s virtually impossible for Olympic officials to accept cash bribes anymore, so we need to take it out in trade,” he noted as he examined three Rolex watches given to him as part of Boston’s application, which was filed in triplicate.

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The Hooker statue, Massachusetts state house


A “hooker” is a woman who sells sex for money without first requiring a wedding, reception and bridal shower with fun games and presents.  The term is thought to be derived from prostitutes who followed Major General Joseph Hooker during the Civil War.  Hooker, a native of Hadley, Massachusetts, is honored today by a statue on the lawn of the state capitol building, and by numerous prostitutes who patrol the streets of Boston’s “Combat Zone.”

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“Seriously?  Because I like Chomsky too!”


Boston is known as the “Athens of America” because of the high concentration of colleges and universities there, and as a result female sex industry workers are often touted for their advanced degrees and high I.Q.’s.  The now-defunct Naked I Cabaret for many years advertised an “All College Girl Revue,” but local writer Con Chapman, who was forced to attend a bachelor party there against his will, cast doubt on that claim.  “This one woman who was rubbing my thigh said she was an anthropology major, but she’d never heard of Claude Levi-Strauss,” he recalls.  “She did, however, have a bodacious pair of knockers.”



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