WASHINGTON, D.C. Senior officials at the Central Intelligence Agency, the civilian foreign intelligence service of the federal government, are quietly conceding in internal memos that they stand to lose a struggle they always assumed they’d win. “I guess it’s like the Maginot Line,” said Mark Bavardi, a CIA spokesperson, referring to the French barricade that is often invoked as an example of fighting the last war. “When our backs were turned while we checked our phones waiting for iced lattes the enemy filled out job applications and now control the counters are most major American donut chain stores.”
Maginot Line: “They’ll never get past these puppies!”
Bavardi is referring to the dramatic increase in Muslim women working in donut shops, a trend that has been fueled by franchise owners’ desire to save money on hairnets that must be supplied to all workers under health regulations. “You hire a Catholic, maybe she’s wearing a lace mantilla,” he says. “You hire a Protestant or an atheist or an agnostic, you’ve got to get them a hairnet.”
“I’ll need an extra skinny straw, too.”
While the takeover of the nation’s donut shops is still several years in the future, seasoned intelligence sources say that eventual denouement is inevitable. “You look back twenty years and there was no female counter help wearing burquas,” says Lt. Col. Aaron Wilcox (ret.), who has studied the trend in retirement by visiting several donut shops each morning. “I saw two ‘Islamo-gals’ yesterday, so that means we have to act now before the Dunkin’ Donuts Bacon, Egg & Cheese sandwich disappears from the face of the earth.”
Statistical extrapolation is often used to predict future events based on scanty evidence, but the method is nonetheless considered valid by those with poor math skills. “Eventually, you reach a ‘tipping point’ where a ‘critical mass’ of facts creates a ‘watershed,'” notes Wilcox as he swats at several pesky buzzwords circling over his head.
The furthest previous advance of Muslim invaders upon Western civilization occurred in 1529, when the Ottoman Empire reached the gates of Vienna, Austria, but military experts foresee possible encroachments as far inland as Cleveland, Ohio, where Tim Hortons stores predominate. “The Siege of Vienna was just about them little Vienna sausages,” notes patron Ferrel Hoskins, Jr., a long-haul trucker as he tucks into one of the chain’s Hot Breakfast Sandwiches. “This is about your choice of sausage or bacon on a biscuit, and I’ll fight to the death for my right to choose both.”