Ryan Dominates Belichick in 40-32 Loss

ORCHARD PARK, New York.  Different team, different venue, but the results were the same when New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick faced his old nemesis Rex Ryan yesterday.  “He outcoached me in the pre-game run-up, in the post-game press conference, and in men’s casual wear,” a frustrated Belichick told reporters after the New England Patriots defeated the Buffalo Bills 40-32.  “I think we’re talking a first-ballot Hall of Famer in the audio-visual department.”

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Belichick: “Yes.”


That is the dilemma the Patriots face as they look in the mirror this morning with a 2-0 record but a yawning deficit in the blustering charisma department.  “Rex is a great coach,” said Patriots defensive tackle Sealver Siliga.  “The quips, the repartee, the ripostes you hear when you line up against one of his teams are just phenomenal.”

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Ryan: “But enough about the Patriots–are these cool shades or what?”


Ryan is considered a master at “talking a good game,” projecting an air of confidence, even cockiness in the days before a big matchup and in the disappointing aftermath, while Belichick is viewed as an uninspiring plodder who produces plenty of wins but often leaves reporters wondering whether they watched the same game after a Patriots’ victory.  “We checked the pet obituaries after New England won the Super Bowl last year,” says Inside Football reporter Mal Helmuth.  “I was pretty sure his goldfish died he seemed so depressed.”

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Ryan believes controversy can serve to motivate his teams, and often uses his own lightning-rod persona to throw opponents off their game.  “I respect the Patriots, but I don’t fear them,” he said to reporters last week when asked to weigh his team’s chances against the reigning Super Bowl champions.  “Of course, I’m on the sidelines so as long as I pay attention it’s not like I’m going to get hit or anything.”

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Belichick, by contrast, hates distractions from pre-game preparations, going so far as to penalize and then trade Wes Welker, who mocked Ryan’s sex life in a tongue-in-cheek manner in 2011.  “The New England Patriots Football Club regrets any embarrassment that Mr. Welker’s comments may have caused Mr. Ryan,” the team said in a press release following the incident.  “What Mr. Ryan may do to his wife in the privacy of the internet, fondling her feet and moaning in an erotic manner, is his business.”


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