DOS FLEDENS, Freedonia. After heated debate that lasted into the wee hours of the morning, the Freedonian legislature adopted a compromise measure that would legalize gay marriage but make it mandatory before sexual activity between members of the same sex. “I have to get married when I cast my eye upon young Lladislaw Viznikuz,” conservative party leader Milek Fornkiz said in an impassioned speech calling for an up-or-down vote. “If you cast your eye on her brother, you must do the same!” Fornkiz said to liberal party whip Haruz Niz-Glendok, who had pushed same-sex marriage as a tourist attraction after voters in Slovenia overturned a law authorizing it.
Freedonia’s legislature, the “Dubka,” is composed of an upper and a lower house. The lower house meets in the basement of the parliament building, while the upper house is free to roam about the ground and second floors. “There are simmering differences between the two, because the lower house is closer to the people who live in root cellars,” says University of Kzlike political scientist Norv Cheringlyski. “The upper house calls them ‘mushrooms,’ because they like to keep them in the dark and throw cow dung on them.”
The mandatory nature of the new civil right is a first, but was required in order to win the support of Cryptic Christians, the majority religious denomination in this land-locked country that was composed after World War II from parts of Slovenia, an abandoned Six Flags amusement park and an unclaimed fruitcake left at a bus station in Zagreb, Croatia. “We will never yield on a principle of faith,” said Archbishop Wdislaw Ypres, the nation’s spiritual leader, “unless we can find a way to make money out of this racket.”
Voters could still overturn the measure in a Slovenian-style referendum, but leaders of both parties are cautiously optimistic that the legislative compromise will withstand a popular challenge. “People recognize that the current system is grossly unfair,” said Niz-Glendok. “Why shouldn’t heterosexual couples open their hearts to gays and share the misery that is marriage?”