PYONGYANG, North Korea. The state-controlled Korean Central News Agency today took the offensive against international criticism of its recent test of a hydrogen bomb, saying the explosion was necessary in order to impress Jodie Foster, an American actress.
“Stop doing stupid things to impress me–I don’t like you!”
“Scientists and technicians of the DPRK are in high spirit to detonate H-bombs capable of wiping out the whole territory of US all at once,” the news agency said in a press release. “This is done neither to threaten or provoke anyone, but to impress Ms. Foster, who we’ve had the hots for since ‘Taxi Driver.'”
North Korea conducted an underground test of a hydrogen bomb on January 6, just four days before the 73rd Golden Globe awards. “Our response was proportionate to the threat posed by such meretricious frippery,” said Choe Tae Bok, chairman of North Korea’s Supreme People’s Assembly. “If you are going to give a best actress award to a lightweight like Jennifer Lawrence, we’re going to fire all of our guns at once, as American rock group Steppenwolf say.”
Maybe a nice mass rally would impress her
Foster is an American actress and director who won a Lifetime Achievement Award at the 2013 Golden Globe ceremony. She was nominated for an Academy Award at age 12 for her role as a child prostitute in “Taxi Driver,” causing John Hinckley, Jr. to attempt to assassinate U.S. President Ronald Reagan in order to impress her.
The notoriety Hinckley gained from his crime inspired other similar incidents, including the U.S. invasion of Iraq under President George W. Bush to impress Barbara Stanwyck. Stanwyck was already dead, but appreciated the gesture.
South Koreans took the nuclear test in stride, according to Shin Yu-hun, a 53-year-old fisherman. “I count my blessings,” he said as he cleaned cabbage to make kimchi, a spicy condiment often used as filler in crossword puzzles. “We are grateful North Korea was not trying to impress Miley Cyrus.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Viva North Korea!”