Air Freedonia Protests Last-Place Ranking

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Security Guard Mel Franklin, Jr. was caught off guard when two men appeared at the Court of International Trade here last Saturday, a day when the judicial body for international trade disputes is closed for business.  “I told ’em there wasn’t anybody here to take their papers,” Franklin says, shaking his head and permitting himself a hint of a bemused smile.  “They said they’d wait outside.”

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International adoption services available in first-class.

And so began a vigil that ended Monday morning, when Dbiesz Globodnik, Freedonian ambassador to the U.S., and Mkash Nrdinz, Esq., a Freedonian-American lawyer who offered to represent the land of his ancestors on a pro bono basis, were admitted to the clerk’s office to file a protest of International Travel magazine’s annual survey of airlines, which ranked Air Freedonia “worst in the world.”

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“Yum–weasel fritters!”

“This is an outrage that the proud people of Freedonia will not put up with!” Ndrinz said to the person in line behind him, who was in the office to make photocopies because the machine down the hall was broken.  “For decades they have subsidized Air Freedonia, and now you tell us is no good!”

The glossy magazine serves corporate travel departments with information gleaned by “mystery” passengers, who test the quality of transportation and hospitality services by using them without disclosing their affiliation.  “Is a bald-faced lie!” Globodnik told this reporter in a telephone interview.  “We watch our planes very carefully, and saw nobody doing any gleaning.”

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The review said Air Freedonia “takes you back in time, but unfortunately not to a time before air travel.”  Food service was singled out for concern due to the airline’s practice of serving hot blergkul, the national soup of Freedonia, on every flight.  “What am I supposed to do, give everybody a bag of cardamom seeds?” said Iliukz Urike-Pepz, chief chef for the company.  “We have two million gallons of the stuff to get rid of after the Ministry of Agriculture over-estimated demand in the bumper crop year of 2012.”

A survey of American passengers who used Air Freedonia for business trips turned up complaints about farm animals that accompanied native flyers, who must use the airline to travel to market during the country’s spring mud season.  “Woman next to me placed chicken on tray table,” noted one executive who responded to an anonymous survey.  “Chicken squawked when she moved table to upright position during landing.”  Ndrinz disputed the anecdote, saying “We have strict limits, rigidly enforced, this could not have happened.  One bag must be checked, one carry-on item or poultry.”

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“Freedonian ladies want to date YOU!”

A high turnover rate among stewardesses means passengers are often left without basic amenities, such as pillows, boring in-flight magazines and safety demonstrations.  “When passengers debark from other airlines it is customary for stewardesses to say ‘Buh-bye’ and ‘Have a nice day,'” noted the negative review.  “Air Freedonia stewardesses say ‘Please take me with you!'”

 

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