Swimsuit Tips From Top Scientists

Summer’s just around the corner–time to head to the beach!  But if, like many people, you’re flabby from a winter spent indoors slurping down beer and eating fondue, here are some tips on getting into “swimsuit” shape by the world’s second-most glam occupational group (after supermodels), those masters of all shapes ‘n sizes, physicists.

We are so not ready for the beach!”


Black vs. White:  Over the years, a great deal of energy has been spent debating the merits of black vs. white swimsuits.  Yes, everyone knows that black suits make you appear slimmer.  But did you also know that black clothing absorbs sunlight and the heat radiating from your body, causing you to sweat like a fattened hog at a barbecue contest? (Walsberg, Campbell, & King, Journal of Comparative Physiology, 126B: 211-222, 1978).  So you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

“Wanda Jean?  Can you c’mere for a second?  I want to look skinnier.”


Relativity:  Everybody’s heard of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, but very few people understand it.  Basically, the way relativity works is that if you live in one of the low-starch states such as California, and you have relatives from a high-starch state such as Iowa, going to the beach in California with your relatives from Iowa will make you appear slimmer by comparison.

Isaac Newton:  You would never catch him in a thong.


Follow the law!  Isaac Newton’s first law of motion, that is.  “Bodies in motion tend to stay in motion, bodies at rest tend to stay at rest.”  What does this have to do with summer fun?  Simple–If you just sit in an inner tube no one will notice your body!

Conservation of mass:  In the 18th century, two men–Antoine Lavoisier and Mikhail Lomonsov–discovered that mass can neither be created nor destroyed, but only altered in form.  The upshot for sun-worshippers?  You can squeeze as hard as you want, but it won’t make the fat go away.

Be careful–sharks dig plus-size chicks!


The Uncertainty Principle:  Werner Heisenberg, a top-flite physicist who managed to stay in swimsuit shape until late in his life, discovered what is now referred to as “The Uncertainty Principle.”  The gist of this rule is that you can’t measure anything without changing it.

Heisenberg:  I’m fairly certain he discovered the Uncertainty Principle.

So next time you go into the store and ask to try on a size 8 bathing suit, and the sales girls says “Good Lord, honey–you’ve got to be at least a size 14” and offers to measure you–stand firm.

Just say–“No sirree.  Don’t you know Werner Heisenberg proved that if you measure me beforehand you’ll completely change my size?”


Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”


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