NGORZSKL, Freedonia. Freedonian officials are tired this morning after an all-night vigil they kept in a state of anticipation and suspense, fueled by oglitz, this land-locked European country’s bitter variation of coffee. “It is very functional,” said Ngli Zolitwk, the nation’s first female Prime Minister, of the highly-caffeinated native drink. “What you don’t finish can be used to strip furniture, or unclog sluggishly-flowing sinks,” she says as she stifles a yawn.
The occasion for staying up late was Zolitwk’s petition to the European Union to accept Freedonia in substitution for England, which voted to withdraw from the twenty-eight member political-economic body last week, leaving a “free space” of the sort that Freedonians incorporate into all aspects of their play. “The hard-working women of our nation are entitled to a ‘free space’ one Saturday night of each month,” says Jnizko Uxbkel, Zolitwk’s chief press secretary. “We live for these nights without sex, so we are well-prepared to fill in for England if they have other political-economic bodies to bed down with.”
“I’d file a formal protest, but I need the fresh air.”
Freedonia has petitioned the EU for membership in the past, only to be turned down repeatedly as “Not Ready for International Organization.” “They do not understand the mores of world diplomacy,” says Jean-Claude Malraux-Emilion, French attache to the EU as he closes his attache case. “The came for their last interview with a bushel basket full or turnips and a live chicken. We asked them to leave the chicken outside but they refused, since he was chief of their delegation.”
News of England’s withdrawal, which inspired the shorthand term “Brexit,” were brought to this tech-starved country by carrier pigeon since the lone dial-up modem in Godans Flez, often referred to as the “Silicon Valley of Freedonia,” was at the nation’s last-remaining Radio Shack outlet for repairs. “They are a godsend, these pigeons,” says Grzil “Bud” Ftemskri, who was the first to receive the news. “They bring you glad tidings from the air, then you bake them with a little turmeric at 350 degrees for dinner.”