A star high school quarterback was persuaded to play football at Rice University by a handwritten letter its offensive coordinator wrote to his cat.
Ho-hum. Another day, another Division I offensive coordinator prostrating himself before me. “Dear Rocco,” Clyde van Pelt of Nebraska writes. “Can’t you see yourself in beautiful Lincoln, Nebraska on Thanksgiving Day, with 87,000 screaming fans urging you–and of course your human–on to victory with a national title on the line?”
Uh, no, actually I can’t. “Beautiful Lincoln, Nebraska”? Are there two of them? Is the beautiful one located out-of-state?
To cop a line from Fred Allen, Nebraska’s a great place to live–if you’re a stalk of winter wheat. Into the round file from waaay downtown–for three!
Okay, who’s next? Penn State. Sorry, when I go into the kitty box, I want privacy. Ix-nay on the ittany-nay ions-lay.
Whadda we got here. Harvard? Are they serious? Well, an Ivy League education is worth something–in some benighted minds. Let’s see what kinda package they’re offering. Canvas tote bag, no-show job at the Widener Library, free use of a Volvo station wagon. For what? To pick up Environmental Studies majors in Harvard Square? That ain’t the way the Big Cat rolls.
Let’s see–Miami. Too hot. Wisconsin–too cold. Missouri–they don’t pay enough.
Stanford–now we’re getting some place. Top-notch academics, competitive program, all those venture capital alums to give me a job in case I go undrafted.
And the pussy! I mean really sharp looking cats, brainy too!
Gotta get this one in front of the bi-ped, see what he thinks.
Hey–wake up, Cheetos-breath. C’mon, don’t force me to make happy paws all over that stupid sweater of yours.
Yeah, you, numbnuts. Have you signed your national letter of intent yet? Well, don’t, okay? I want you to look at Stanford, then maybe Northwestern, or Virginia, before you commit to four years in some God-forsaken hell-hole where the only entertainment is football and beer. I don’t want to waste the best years of my life in some place that Gertrude Stein would rank lower than Oakland; not only no there there, no where where.
Look at this course catalog–lots of interesting classes. History and Philosophy of History and Philosophy. Can’t top that for circular academic thinking. The Courtly Tradition in Fiction from Le Morte d’Arthur to Raymond Chandler. Cats in Cartoons: From Felix to Top Cat.
“PLEASE–promise me you’re not considering Ohio State!”
What? Oh you want to spend the next four years in a drunken stupor–is that it? Well, include me out, Buster. This cat’s got a brain, okay? Even if we make it to the NFL–and that’s a big if–we’ll spend the first three years holding a clipboard. Making millions of dollars, granted, but do you know how many jobs there are out there for clipboard-holders? Not too freakin’ many, pal, and they don’t pay diddly squat. You know why? Low barrier to entry. Anybody can be a clipboard holder, it takes very little training, no professional certification or state-mandated test, no . . .
Hey, what’s this? Somebody actually took the time to write us a nice handwritten note–in big cursive letters, too! This is straight outta Martha Stewart!
Lemme see where it’s from, gimme gimme gimme. Rice U? Wha? You mean like Eukanuba Adult Dry Cat Food Lamb and Rice Formula?
Isn’t there a University of Friskies Party Mix?