Mayor Demands Recount as Boston Slips to 3rd Unhappiest City

BOSTON.  Mayor Marty Walsh lashed out angrily today at a New York-based firm that ranked Boston the third unhappiest city in America, saying “We take a back seat to no one when it comes to unhappiness.”

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Walsh:  “You wanna know what you can do with your survey?  Lemme tell ya . . .”

 

“That’s gotta be wrong,” Walsh said in a freewheeling press conference. “People come here for the culture and whatnot, but they stay for the unhappiness.”


Walk for Unhappiness

The survey by “Brandwatch” noted that Bostonians have historically been unhappy unless they are miserable, and that a string of successes by local sports team has left many residents asking “Is that all there is?”

“A boy in his twenties today will have experienced three World Series wins by the Red Sox, four Super Bowl victories by the Patriots, a Stanley Cup for the Bruins, an NBA championship for the Celtics and something called a North American Super Liga by the Revolution, whoever they are,” notes psychologist Morton Adelman of Newton, Mass.  “His apartment will typically be littered with foam ‘We’re #1!’ fingers, unless his girlfriend threw them out.”

Bostonians share their unhappiness with visitors and parents of out-of-town students through random acts of unkindness, line-cutting and unprovoked cursing.  “Boston is a smorgasbord of rudeness that runs the gamut from snobbish indifference on Beacon Hill to intentional acts of  hostility by reckless drivers on dangerously quaint traffic ‘rotaries,’” says tourism director Angela Gomes.  “The upraised middle finger is the state bird of Massachusetts, and residents will often playfully invoke it when greeting tourists who say ‘milk shake’ instead of ‘frappe.’”


Maggot Puke:  “We been savin’ some of our best insults for you!”

Walsh pointed to Allston-Brighton, Boston’s “student ghetto” whose youthful population uses loud music and drunken parties to endear themselves to permanent residents.  “Of course I’m unhappy,” said Tweeze, bassist for Maggot Puke, a local band that is one of the leading practitioners of the “Deliberately Annoying” sound.  “Major record labels won’t talk to you unless you’ve got a permanent pouty-face.”


Rage is all the rage.

Walsh is a former state legislator who has been known to use his political power to retaliate against those who have crossed him.  “You gonna write sumpin’ nice, right?” he asks as this reporter takes notes at the press conference. “You bettah, cause I know where you pahked your cah and I wouldn’t want it to get towed or nothin’”

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