Norm Sciatica, Inventor of Breast Sharpener, Dead at 86

WAKEFIELD, Mass.  Norman “Norm” Sciatica, inventor of a female breast-sharpening implement that revolutionized women’s fashion in the 1950s, died yesterday at the age of 86, according to a spokesman at the Golden Pastures Assisted Living Facility here.

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Eydie Gorme:  All right already–you’ve made your point.

 

“Norm was a giant in the foundation undergarment industry,” according to his one-time partner Mel Greenberg, with whom he founded Dainty-Dot Bras.  “He had the vision to see that servicemen returning from the Korean War would be attracted to women whose breasts resembled the nuclear warheads they’d spent so much time handling so carefully.”

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“They’re like plants–they’re attracted to the sun.”

 

Greenberg dissolved their partnership, unconvinced that men would warm to “gals” who resembled intercontinental ballistic missiles.  “I like my women a little zaftig if you know what I mean,” he says with a lump in his throat as he gazes wistfully at a fading photograph of the two men in front of their first plant.  “Norm said a new day had dawned, men were no longer afraid of impaling themselves on sharp objects beneath the sweaters of the women they met in the workplace.”

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Rocket-based model.

 

Sciatica nearly went bankrupt when his first prototype failed in “alpha” tests due to a design flaw.   “He was a nice guy, but he set the lathe speed up a little too high,” says Anna Delormino, a local woman who served as the first “guinea pig” at Sciatica’s “skunk works” in a dilapidated warehouse in East Boston’s “quotation marks” district.  “Thankfully he had it rigged up with a ‘kill’ switch, otherwise I’d be wearing my boobs in my pedal pusher pockets.”

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After Sciatica made adjustments, his assembly line began churning out what he dubbed the Perfect Cone Breast Sharpener, and mass production meant the fruits of his labors could be enjoyed by women with moderate incomes.  “In the Middle Ages only royalty could afford the ‘hennin‘,” a conical hat that was sometimes used surreptitiously to sharpen a woman’s breasts, Sciatica would note proudly.  “I brought pointy boobs within reach of every American housewife and working girl.”

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Hennin:  As Casey Stengel used to say, you could look it up.

A memorial service will be held this Friday to celebrate Sciatica’s life and work.  In lieu of flowers, the family requests that contributions be made to the Institute for Mammary Studies at Seekonk Junior College.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Fauxbituaries.”

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