Your Teen Tattoo Advisor

Teens!  Ever wished you had a colorful tattoo on a conspicuous part of your body to impress your friends and embarrass your parents?  Ask the Teen Tattoo Advisor to help you “thread the needle”!

That one will keep you warm!


Dear Tattoo Advisor:

I have finally persuaded my mother to let me get a sleeve tattoo after literally like years of begging.  Apparently her first husband (not my father) was a Marine and had a “Semper Fi” tattoo on his butt cheek and she has flashbacks when she drinks too much Harvey’s Bristol Cream.

She only has one condition, which is that since winter is coming she wants me to get a long-sleeve tattoo while I would rather get a cooler, short-sleeve pattern since I’ll mainly be wearing it in the summer.

We have agreed to abide by your decision.


Tula Marie Hillinan, Neosho, Alabama


Dear Tula Marie–

My what a lovely name!  I hope you get a tattoo just as pretty to go with it.

Thankfully this is a question where I can “split the baby” and satisfy both you and your mom.  As you grow older your short-sleeve tattoo will lengthen until it appears to be a grape Slurpee sliding down your arm.  If you go to a cheap enough tattoo parlor that could be as early as January!


Dear Teen Tattoo Advisor–

This summer I went out with this guy Duane and the last night of Ottumwa County Fair I got his name tattooed on my right arm.  I did this while he was watching the dirt-track stock car races, and when he got back from the grandstands I said “Surprise!” and showed it to him.  He didn’t exactly get excited and when I asked him what was wrong he said “I’d like it better if it was on your left arm, that way everybody could see it when we’re slow-dancing at the Homecoming Dance and won’t try to cut in.”

Teen Tattoo Advisor, I kept the receipt but when I went back to the booth the guy says sorry, no refunds or exchanges.  Is there any law out there to protect an unsuspecting high school senior like me from the predatory practices of fly-by-night “tat” artists?

Nora Huddleston, Hoxie, Arkansas

Fatal fun for the whole family!


Dear Nora–

The tattoo-industrial lobby has fought “consumer” legislation in Arkansas’s bicameral legislature for years on health and safety grounds–you may recall their scary “What if a young person were to die during a tattoo transplant?” ad campaign in 2012.  Then last year the “tattoo rights” movement was again strangled in its crib after State Rep. Michael Overski made the glib comment “Why should we do away with the most visible sign that a person is a likely check-kiter by mandating ‘removal’ or ‘refund’ that will kill jobs in our only growing industry?”

Until our United States Supreme Court recognizes a “Tattoo Bill of Rights” I am afraid you are stuck, although once you cross the border into Louisiana I think you’re okay, those people will do anything if you give them enough money.


Hey Teen Tattoo Lady–

Got a question for you.  My girlfriend has agreed to get a tattoo for me but she already has a “tramp stamp” above her butt crack with the name of her last boyfriend “Gene Ray” so I’m thinking of maybe double tattoos facing each other on her thighs, which I like on girls.  She is considering it but wants to know what she should get, so I suggested a Mickey and Minnie Mouse or a Donald and Daisy Duck or something like that but she said no no she HATES Disney movies, she’s not a little girl anymore.

Okay, fine I said, so I’m writing to you for suggestions.

Thanks a bunch,


Claude Rumstadler, Plaistow NH 03856


Dear Claude–

All I can think of offhand is a “Betty Boop” tattoo on one thigh and her cute puppy dog “Bimbo” on the other.

I think people will get the message.


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