WASHINGTON, D.C. The Transportation Security Agency, the arm of the federal government that protects the nation’s transportation systems, today issued its holiday survey of articles most likely to be seized during mandatory passenger searches, singling out snack-size bags of cookies and chips as items of particular concern.
“Terrorist organizations have been known to use thnack thacks to hide weaponth of math dethructhion,” said TSA Administrator Kip Hawley as he searched through a Mini Oreo Snak Sak carried by ten year-old Timmy McNair of Needham, Massachusetts and tested some of its contents. “We wouldn’t be doing our job if we didn’t search each and every one of these suspicious containers.”
Transportation Security Agency employees have been accused of singling out passengers carrying snack foods in the past due to long shifts without breaks during the busy holiday season. “I don’t see why that should be a problem,” said Deputy Administrator Albert McNair. “It’s not as bad as feeling women up with your electronic security wand–which is fun for both parties.”
Salaries for entry-level jobs with the TSA are generally low, forcing employees to bring sack lunches in order to make ends meet. “There is a temptation to shake down every teenager with a backpack,” says TSA Employees Union shop steward Michael Montenegro. “If the government would raise the starting salary our people wouldn’t have to confiscate every bag of Doritos we see.”
The TSA, which is part of the Department of Homeland Security, says it is only doing the job assigned to it by Congress in order to secure the nation’s borders.
“Some of the stuff we seize has a freshness date that’s about to expire,” said TSA head Hawley. “I wouldn’t want to have orange dust from a stale bag of Cheetos on my hands if something ever went wrong.”