My Octopus Girlfriends

Octopuses have “three hearts. . . .and their reproductive life seems cool and distant: The male hands the female a sperm packet from a safe distance, and then she wanders off to fertilize and hatch her eggs alone.”

                              Review of “Other Minds” by Peter Godfrey-Smith


I wish, like an octopus, I had three hearts.
I’d have three girlfriends who you couldn’t tell apart.
Saturday night when it was time for a date
I’d let each of them know that they shouldn’t be late;
If they weren’t ready when I dropped by to woo-
I’d just go out with the other two.


I’d be a perfect gentlemen, and wouldn’t maul them
With lecherous tentacles, or whatever you call them.
And when it came time for each to, uh, sample my wares
I wouldn’t make a pass at her, or muss up her hair.
No, the suave approach is best; put on a smoking jacket
and hand the female octopus a little sperm packet.


Keep your distance and extend it arm’s length,
Allowing the female to conserve her strength,
For when girl octopuses perform erotic arts
They sadly are forced to play both parts.


3 thoughts on “My Octopus Girlfriends

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