As New Year Nears Young Scientists Baffled by Lack of Dates

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts. When New Year’s Eve was still a month away, Massachusetts Institute of Technology sophomore Jeremy Klotkin took steps to make sure he didn’t spend the night when many unattached men hope to “get lucky” alone.

“I try to go out on a date once a year whether I need it or not,” he says. “I want to stay in shape just in case I need to procreate someday.”

So Jeremy started “dialing-for-dates” shortly after Thanksgiving to make sure he had someone to ring in the New Year with, but his scientific mind noticed a disturbing pattern after his initial round of phonecalls this fall.


“Seriously, Jeremy–it’s a mess!”

 

“Every girl I spoke to was going to be re-arranging her sock drawer on New Year’s Eve,” he says as he taps some numbers into his computer. “Statistically speaking, you would expect to see some deviation from that mean, so I may be able to get a senior thesis out of this.”


“Would you like to stay after lab and make some Jiffy Pop?”

 

Halfway across the country at the University of Chicago, Anil Khalsa, a graduate student in physics, noticed a similar aberration. “I have called many, many women to ask if they are available New Year’s Eve, and each one has told me she expects that her pet will be sick that night. Dogs, cats, gerbils, gekkos–every kind of animal!” he notes with alarm. “I have contacted the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta to tell them that some sort of epidemic has broken out!”


“Uh, Lowell, I’d love to, but with my split ends, I’ve got to do some serious conditioning that night.”

 

On the West Coast, Cal Tech chemistry major Lowell Firke has a different concern; a potential water shortage in Southern California that could trigger rationing. “There are so many women who will be busy New Year’s Eve washing their hair,” he says. “It’s unbelievable!”

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