WASHINGTON, D.C. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration yesterday approved the use of ruffled nightgowns as birth control following a two-year clinical trial that found them to be a “safe and very effective” way of preventing pregnancy and even intercourse.
“The results were conclusive,” said Dr. Emil Nostrand of the agency’s Center for Drug Evaluation and Research. “Ruffled nightgowns act as an anaphrodisiac to repress sexual excitement, and their formidable barriers to entry prevent hands and other stray bodily appendages from breaking into a woman’s zone of intimacy.”
Ruffled nightgowns have long been used on an unregulated basis to frustrate marital sexual advances, but FDA approval means they can now be sold over-the-counter in drug stores rather than hard-to-find women’s sleepwear departments at ladies ready-to-wear shoppes. “It was always embarrassing for women to have to take the escalator to the second floor where we keep low-margin items such as ankle socks and dress shields,” says Blanche McElvey of Nora’s Fine Fashions in Knob Noster, Mo. “Now they can pick one up at the CVS out on the interstate along with a six-pack of Sutter Home Chablis in the convenient grab ‘n go plastic bottles.”
Ruffled nightgowns have been blamed for declining birthrates in developed countries, where rising standards of living have allowed women to purchase sleepwear with ever-increasing layers of impregnable fabric. “If we weren’t involved in a frantic arms race with the West we would import as many as we could,” said Chinese Minister of Family Planning Cui Shugang. “Enforcing our ‘one-child’ policy would be a breeze with these ‘lust busters.'”