Your Do-It-Yourself HAZMAT Guide

As you turn the page on 2016 and look ahead to the coming year, you may be asking yourself–what exactly do I get for all the taxes I’m going to owe come April 15th? Where does my money go, except to pay for bank bailouts, interstate highways, aircraft carriers and assorted under-assistant attaches to the Secretary of State? Where’s the payback? When does the fun start, dammit?


Planes sold separately.

 

The answer is–right now! The U.S. Department of Transportation will offer free training in the handling, packaging and preparation of hazardous wastes for transport at selected venues across the country this year. Attendance is limited, so contact your local DOT office today, or Wednesday at the latest. You snooze, you lose!


Proper dress required

 

As a member in good standing of the working on-line press, I was provided with a sneak preview of the lesson plan and curriculum by government officials concerned that they’d throw a do-it-yourself HAZMAT instructional session and nobody would come. Here is a sampling of the information that students interested in the exciting field of hazardous material containment and disposal will be exposed to–er, learn–at the sessions.


Peachy!

 

Yes you can make your own HAZMAT suit! Don’t listen to nervous nellies who tell you that only certified HAZMAT gear will protect you from the dangers of anthrax and moldy peaches. Using Scotchguard brand fabric protector, you can turn a raincoat, a bomber jacket, even a bathrobe into a perfectly adequate shield against agents of mass destruction. Handwash after wearing to prolong fabric life.

Last year’s resolutions are so, like, last year. It’s about time you admitted that you’re never going to make Italian Wedding Soup like you said you were, and that brown goo inside the bag of parsley you bought is only going to smell worse the longer you leave it in the crisper. After donning your DIY HAZMAT suit, open all first-floor windows, turn off smoke alarm, clear a path from the fridge to the kitchen door, and wade in to the “hot zone” like Red Adair moving in to put out an oil well fire.


Red Adair: “Turned out it was just alfalfa sprouts.”

 

When in doubt, throw it out! Technically, you could scrape the fuzz off that Garden Vegetable flavored cream cheese you picked up last June, but why chance it? Getting malodorous and discolored groceries back into the food chain helps dump rats keep their eyes bright and coats shiny!


Moldy cream cheese: Uh, you can take the first bite.

 

Uh, I thought you were changing the Kitty Litter. Pregnant women are advised not to change the litter in cat boxes because of something they read somewhere it was either in Redbook or Ladies Home Journal, they don’t remember which. Husbands often assume after the children are in college that this nauseating household chore will be shared on a bi-weekly alternating basis, with the “male” part of the schedule back-end loaded into the next leap year, like the Olympics.


“Incoming!”

 

When the cats start peeing in hanging spider plants, the awful truth comes out. Surgical masks are recommended for this job, or you could just switch to goldfish.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”

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