Your Smoothie Advisor

Smoothies are sweeping the nation!  Actually, they’re sort of slurping across the country, like some latter-day version of The Blob, only with cutesy names such as “Mango Tango Bingo” so you’re embarrassed to order them even though they look good, or weird “add-ins” like flax that sound like an export from a Benelux country.  How do you know which smoothie is “the one” for you? Ask Your Smoothie Advisor!

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Dear Smoothie Advisor:

There is this smoothie place on the first floor of the building where I work, sometimes I will go there mid-afternoon because I’m about to fall asleep at my desk my job is so boring.  Or I’m wicked hung over.

Anyway, there is this cute guy “Ian” who works the counter on the noon to six shift, and I sometimes flirt with him even though he is the crunchy granola type, if you know what I mean.  Not the kind I’m usually attracted to but I’m not getting any younger and the guys at the Wakefield Elks Singles Night tend to have obvious comb-overs instead of a man-bun like “Ian.”  I know, they’re weird, but I could get used to it because I’m 28 and my younger sister is already married and I’m not.

I know “Ian” likes me because sometimes he will stamp my Buy-9-Smoothies-Get-the-10th-One-Free card twice for a single purchase, so when he asked me if I’d like to swing by after work and try one of his new creations I of course said yes.  When I got off I went in and he had made two glasses of this disgusting green concoction for us to share.

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My problem wasn’t the taste, although it was like drinking the salad bar at Outback Steak House.  As soon as that gunk hit my stomach I got the most horrible gas, and had to sit there holding my butt cheeks as tight as I could, I felt like one of those big balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.  As we finished “Ian” asked me if I’d like to go out to dinner and I had to say no and lied and told him I remembered I had an emergency property & casualty policy to get out for my boss and went back upstairs.

Mr. or Ms. Smoothie Advisor, I think I may have blown my one real chance at romance but I can’t imagine a life where my husband is making me kale smoothies and I’m constantly running to the bathroom to relieve “the pressure.”

Please call my home number I can’t discuss this at work.

Lindsay Rudzanski, Lynnfield, Mass.

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Stick to the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Ultra.

 

Dear Lindsay–

Your problem is a growing one since vegetables crept their way into the nation’s smoothie bars.  The only solution is to fake an allergy to smoothies that have anything healthy in them and stick to tried-and-true “classics” such as Mint Oreo Mashup.

 

Hey Smoothie Advisor–

I found your column on-line as I had a question.  My girlfriend who I will call “Tina” because I always wanted a girlfriend with that name got one of those high-powered “bullet” blenders that can supposedly make a smoothie out of anything, even high fiber granola and gummy bears.  She started making a smoothie with it but then she got a phone call and was hoping it was from this club where she’s trying to become a singer for an audition.  Well, it wasn’t, it was her mother she couldn’t just hang up so she nods at me to finish the job and I nodded back to say yes while she went in the other room.

Well, I closed up the blender and turned it on and got this terrible crunching sound like you get when you put silverware down the disposal.  Thankfully “Tina” didn’t hear it because she was yelling at her mother “For the last time, Momma, I cannot take care of your damn Pomeranian every weekend when you go gar fishing!”  When I looked in the blender I saw she had left the spoon inside and it was all mashed up.  I threw it in the garbage and poured the smoothies out and she was so upset when she hung up on her mother she just grabbed her smoothie and started drinking and I didn’t want her to know I’d ruined a piece of silverware so I didn’t say anything.

Then we sat down and started watching a movie but after a while she says “I’m not feeling so good” and the next day she was admitted to the hospital with internal bleeding.  My question is, should I tell “Tina” about the spoon, I’m afraid her health insurance company will sue me and garnish my wages which I need to make payments on my bass boat.

Thanks, really appreciate it.

Duane Lee Holcomb, Osawatomie, Kansas.

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He doesn’t want to lose this.

 

Dear Duane–

I’m afraid you are going to have to “fess up” regardless of the consequences because otherwise your girlfriend might submit her blender to the manufacturer for a warranty claim.  Consumer-on-business fraud is a growing problem in America that raises the cost of counter-top appliances for us all, which is one reason why manufacturing jobs are always being shipped overseas where it is hard to serve people with legal process.

Why don’t you “re-purpose” that bullet blender as an outboard motor on your bass boat?  Sounds like a “win-win” solution for everyone but the fish who get ground up in it.

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