I once had a crush on a Calvin Coolidge fanatic,
she had lots of his memorabilia stored in her attic–
Campaign posters, buttons and such,
She was slender, and didn’t eat too much.
Coolidge was the most fiscally prudent of all the Presidents,
I mean American ones, who of the White House are residents.
When he ran the numbers he didn’t have to fudge it;
He was the last P-O-T-U-S to balance the budget!
So I figured the woman who I wanted to mate,
would probably make a very cheap date.
Coolidge was responsible for many innovations;
did you know he invented what we call a “staycation”?
He lived in the Berkshires, and rather than roam,
One summer he decided he wouldn’t leave his neighborhood;
“I did not want to go on a trip,” he explained from his home,
“I do not think it will do any good.”
So I assumed we would save lots of money on air fare
if about going to far-away places she didn’t care.
Cal could sit for hours without saying a word,
and even when he did it was usually brief.
His wife might listen, but not a sound was heard,
And apparently this trait caused her no grief.
So I supposed that she wouldn’t mind
if we didn’t shoot the breeze to pass the time.
My gal put no truck in all the snarky gibes
that rained down on Cal from all possible sides;
like from Dorothy Parker, who when told that he’d croaked
quipped “How could they tell?” to all nearby folk.
So I hoped that I could make smart remarks at will
whenever we had some spare time to kill.
But after many months of courting and spooning,
it turned out that there was to be no honeymooning.
One night on her doorstep with her hair in a bob
she gave me what is known as a “Presbyterian hand job.”
She extended a mitt for me to shake and said
“We’ve had a lovely evening, let’s not spoil it now.”
I shuddered a bit, and my legs felt like lead
I’m sure that deep furrows were creased in my brow.
“What’s the matter,” I asked, “what did I do
to make me fall out of favor with you?”
She inhaled a breath, as if to make ready,
and then let me have it with a tone quite steady:
“You’re cheap, and you never like to go on trips,
so ix-nay for you ever kissing my lips.
I can’t pry a word out of you with pliers
and your sarcastic bon mots blot out all my desire.”
And so I walked off, a disconsolate mess,
It was better for her, but for me quite a blow.
The virtues that Calvin possessed in excess
weren’t what she looked for in seeking a beau.
Moral: What she likes and what she wants are two different things.