WASHINGTON, D.C. Taking the advice of calmer heads in his inner circle, President Donald Trump today cut back his much-maligned ban on travel from predominantly-Muslim countries in favor of a narrower restriction on the importation of “Canada Goose Arctic Program” coats, which sell at prices in excess of $1,000 on the strength of a stitched-on quasi-official-looking patch on one sleeve.
“Who is Canada Goose Arctic Program, clandestine paramilitary outfit?” Trump tweeted to his 781 million followers on Twitter. “We should not let them in our country–Sad!”
Liberal nitpickers immediately piled on, noting that Canada geese are so-named not because they are Canadian, but because they were invented by John Canada, who was either a real or a fictional ornithologist. “I can’t believe such an ignorant man is our President!” fumed Sandra Wallack of Newton Lower Falls, Massachusetts. “Even my fifth-grade son knows the alternative facts about Canada geese.”
Trump is the first President to elevate questions of fashion to a cabinet-level issue since Harry Truman, a failed haberdasher, became President following the death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt. “While I deplore the President’s continual assaults on our civil liberties, I applaud his efforts to raise awareness of the harm that a fashion faux pas can cause in an upscale yuppie watering hole,” said Diana Urstenbock, editor of Post-Adolescent, the first magazine to be made up entirely of advertising. “Canada Goose is the ultimate ‘look-I’m-rich-but-I-dress-utilitarian’ label, even better than Eddie Bauer.”
Trump is the first president to carry the “football” that contains the nation’s nuclear “fashion codes,” and is said to have warned hostile powers such as North Korea and Nordstrom’s over recent acts of aggression. “It’s really scary what he could do,” said Avril Lemaistre, a buyer for H&M. “All he has to do is wear an article of clothing and boom–it’s instantly out of style.”