WASHINGTON, D.C. Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen warned Congress yesterday that a speculative bubble in over-priced sports “tchotchkes” threatens the nation’s fragile recovery, and could hamper more tasteful decorating schemes of female consumers.
“Price stability and decorating predictability are the hallmarks of guidance on fiscal and monetary parameters in periods of misallocation of resources to blah-blah-blah,” Yellen said in “Fedspeak,” the Esperanto of central bankers. “Money spent on commemorative sports doo-dads represents expenditures more wisely used on window treatments, such as swags and jabots.”
“But honey–it was a limited edition!”
The all-male panel of the Senate Banking Committee responded negatively to Yellen’s dour assessment of the potential upside in sports collectibles, saying consumer spending by sports-obsessed males could jump start the economy. “When you go to the ballpark everybody wants a souvenir,” said Edward Markey (D-MA). “Cash you don’t spend in the gift shop is money that would just go to waste being saved in some boring bank, and that’s no fun.”
Yellen cited a Keynesian “multiplier” effort to more tasteful decorating expenditures, saying the purchase of a burnt sienna throw pillow often resulted in supplementary purchases of similar goods in ecru, brick and seafoam. “Basically, you buy one piece of commemorative Super Bowl crap you’ve shot your wad,” she noted drily.
Republican members of the committee said their Democratic counterparts in the majority were only getting their comeuppance after they ignored the counsel of colleagues in the minority party. “I told you there was a reason the name of the job was ‘Chairman’,” noted Mike Crapo (R-ID). “Don’t cry to me when they come after your limited edition 2014 Ralph Lauren Ryder Cup Big Pony Hooded Windbreaker.”
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