GLEN JEAN, West Virginia. In an effort to shore up support among traditional voters, President Donald Trump last night addressed the 2017 National Boy Scout Jamboree here, emphasizing that the group’s motto–“A Scout is clean in thought, word and deed”–was a useful guide for young men to follow in the presence of grown-ups.
“You should do whatever it takes to make a good impression,” Trump said as he was made an honorary Eagle Scout, the organization’s highest rank. “If you follow the rules when your parents and teachers aren’t around, you’re basically throwing a lot of fake virtue down the drain.”
Trump is the eighth U.S. president to address the Boy Scouts’ quadrennial event, and the historic occasion was marked by the introduction of a new Female Anatomy merit badge. “We face a tremendous drop-off in membership once boys reach puberty and discover girls,” said National Council President Leonard Akern. “At some point tying square knots loses its allure.”
Trump is a long-time supporter of the female anatomy, having co-owned the Miss U.S.A., Miss Teen U.S.A., Miss Universe and the Miss Mucilage Envelope pageants. “It’s a cause that’s near and dear to both my heart and my hands,” Trump said as he was awarded the first of the newly-created badges based on his lifetime achievements in the field. “I can think of no better craft for a young man to pursue, except maybe stiffing creditors with Chapter 11.”
As with all merit badges, the Female Anatomy award will represent the successful completion of a course of study, plus participation in exercises designed to enhance boys’ knowledge of the subject matter. “Many of our adult leaders have neglected the techniques they used in adolescence, so we have recruited trained experts from singles bars around the country,” Akern said. “It’s apparently something you can forget, unlike riding a bicycle.”
Initial surveys from teenage girls indicate that the traditional Boy Scout uniform, which includes shorts and knee-length socks, is not the turn-off that Scouting leaders had anticipated. “The Scouts’ paramilitary look is a classic,” according to Diane Furst of Women’s Wear Daily, a fashion industry trade paper. “To paraphrase an old line, hang a Boy Scout uniform up where a woman can see and it will cop a feel all by itself.”
The Boy Scouts of America promotes citizenship, physical fitness and heterosexuality, a principle for which it fought all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court and won in the case of Boy Scouts of America v. Dale. “I view this merit badge as a symbol of our struggle, and we’re not going to make it easy on the kids,” says Akern. “The final exam requires Scouts to unhook a girl’s bra while lighting a fire behind her back using only dry tinder and flint.”
Trump’s speech marked the end of a day of activities that included badge-trading, push-ups and short-sheeting. The President brought the young men to their feet with his signature closing line “And remember–always get a pre-nup!”