Medical Marijuana Offers Hope to the Terminally Well-Organized

WESTLAND, Mass.  In this affluent suburb of Boston, marijuana use has historically been limited to rebellious youths, according to Police Lieutenant Jim Hampy.  “We could spot ’em by the eerie purple rays emanating from basement windows,” he says, as he takes a sip of his Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.  “The kids with their Jimi Hendrix posters that they would set glowing with black lights, which could also be used to cultivate Cannabis sativa.”

Good taste is timeless.


But with the legalization of marijuana for medical purposes in 2012, an entire new group of users came on the scene whose taste in music and interior decoration were more traditional; suburban housewives afflicted with TWO, an acronym that stands for “terminally well-organized.”  “The first tip-off is the alphabetized spice rack,” says psychologist Marcia Evers-Bennett, who maintains a solo practice out of her den for women afflicted by the syndrome.  “As I like to say, ‘If the first one in line is thyme, she’s fine.'”

Allspice, anise seed, arrow root, beetroot powder, cardamom . . .


In violation of professional confidentiality restrictions, Evers-Bennett has allowed this reporter to view a marijuana therapy session using a two-way mirror that provides a view of her and Melinda Bliss, a busy mother of two who still finds time to save receipts for a six (6) year period, keep a dust-ruffle maintenance and replacement log, and monitor the location of sixty decorative coasters throughout her house in order to prevent unsightly water rings from glasses left carelessly on tables.

The horror!

“How did you do this week?” the psychologist asks as she fires up a “doobie” and hands it to the analysand for a “toke.”

“Pretty well, I think,” Bliss says as she inhales and holds the smoke in her lungs to maximize the beneficial effects of the drug.  When she exhales, she says “I threw away a bunch of expired coupons and I neglected a dust bunny for two days.”

Dust bunnies, in state of post-coital bliss.


“Good, good,” Evers-Bennet says as she turns on her aging phonograph and watches the needle drop on the first track of The Steve Miller Band’s “Sailor” album.  “How about the kids?”

“I allowed them to have a half-hour of free time between school, U-12 soccer, full-immersion Mandarin Chinese ping-pong lessons and water polo.”

“Excellent–and did you allow yourself to fully lose track of them during that period?”

Bliss blushes a bit, then responds with an abashed tone.  “I kept their GPS ankle-bracelets on, so I guess the answer is ‘no.'”

Actual Hollywood actor playing a hippie on Dragnet.


The two finish the joint, then stare off into space as the psychedelic drug often referred to as “Mary Jane” by hippies in episodes of “Dragnet” works its magic on them.  Soon, they hit a silent “groove” in which the dates on the pocket calendars in Bliss’s purse seem to have colors and flavors, and she dreams of a world where homeowner’s insurance policies have no deductibles or expiration dates.

“And how about Ted?” Evers-Bennet asks, extending her diagnostic inquiry to Bliss’s husband.

Bliss thinks for a moment, then lifts herself up on one elbow from the chaise lounge on which she lies, turns to her doctor and asks “Who?”

5 thoughts on “Medical Marijuana Offers Hope to the Terminally Well-Organized

  1. The horror, the horror! Spices alphabetized! Actually, I have five types of pepper. Two types of salt. I alphabetize those. I confess~. Better than j’cuse~ .

    Black peppercorns, black-and-white peppercorns; ground black pepper, multi-colored peppercorns, red pepper flakes. Himalayan pink salt; Morton salt.I love the Himalayan pink salt and the multi-colored peppercorns the best. Especially on French bread with sesame, toasted with Cheddar and peppercorns.

    Cheddar plays with dust bunnies as if they are real bunnies. Well, real mice.

    I also have rock salt from the Great Salt Lake. Purchased, not found. You can float on your back, but you can’t put your face in it. But you can float in 18 inches. It’s how I learned to float.

    I also love Allspice, anise seed, arrow root, beetroot powder, cardamom . . . Especially anise. Poppyseed, also. Love poppyseed cake. Poppyseed cake can give you a positive on opioid tests. My father dug up the poppies in our yard. And threw them out. They were purdy. He didn’t want no problemos. Must get to the Polish store in Southie this Easter for poppyseed cake. No one’s gonna be testin’ me. Think I will buy three poppyseed cakes, and keep two in the freezer. Maybe I will try to see if I can get high, just to see how much it takes. Prolly a lot. And Polish fried dough, at the Polish Store in Southie. My two younger sisters and I used to make the fried dough, chrusciki. Takes three people. I had the tough job. Tending the fryer. I’m only Polish by step relation.

    miłego dnia

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