Happy Hour at the Goodall Institute

          Lucy, having grown up as a human child, was like a changeling, her essential chimpanzeeness overlaid by the various human behaviours she had acquired over the years.  I watched, amazed, as she opened the refrigerator and various cupboards, found bottles and a glass, then poured herself a gin and tonic.  She took the drink to the TV, turned the set on, flipped from one channel to another then, as though in disgust, turned it off again.  She selected a glossy magazine from the table and, still carrying her drink, settled in a comfortable chair.

                                                Jane Goodall, “Through a Window”

Please please PLEASE no more finger signs today.   Lucy sick of finger signs.  Yadda yadda yadda–Lucy doesn’t know what Jane TALKING ABOUT!  ENOUGH!

Thank you thank you no more finger signs today thank you.  Didn’t mean to scream.  Sorry.  Had a rough week.  Too many tools.  Make Frodo play with tools–he big male toolhead bully.  Thank God it’s Friday.

Hey-aren’t we going out?  Weren’t we going to DO SOMETHING?  Oh, right.  Let’s sit around the house again all weekend.  Great idea.  And Jane wonder why she keep getting divorced.  Stupid human.  It wouldn’t hurt to throw on a little make-up every now and then, either.

Lucy hungry hungry hungry.  Where Jane going?  Kitchen kitchen.  Has she got my bowl?  She took my bowl dinner dinner dinner yes yes yes.  Here she comes!  Thank you Janie Janie Janie what’s for dinner?

Monkey chow?  Again?  Lucy sick of monkey chow.  What does Jane have?  Mesculun cranberries pecans walnuts crumbled blue cheese balsamic vinaigrette.

And Lucy get pelletized monkey chow?  Have you looked at the bag lately?  32% calories from carbohydrates!  Pretty soon Lucy look like sales girl in pet store.  Lucy no eat monkey chow again unless Jane buy Weight Watchers Diet Primate Pellets.

Why don’t Jane order Lucy pizza–just as bad but it tastes better than monkey chow.  Monkey chow like shredded wheat dog food tuna noodle casserole.


A banana-that’s better.  Good to speak up.  Don’t know why Jane get to make all big decisions.  Without Lucy no foundation grant no money no nothing.  Jane be filing 3 by 5 index cards back at University of Cambridge, folk dancing on Friday night.

Where Jane go now?  Jane fix drink.  What she drink?  Gin and tonic?  Lucy want drink Lucy want drink TGIF Lucy want drink too!

Jane no make Lucy drink!  Lucy want gin and tonic too!  Jane just going to sit there?  And Jane complain when Lucy no pick up blanket!  Jane not exactly Lucy idea of good friend.

Fine.  Lucy fix own drink.  Good stiff drink.  Where’s the tonic?

Look at this.  Jane buy Canada Dry Diet Tonic.  What’s the point?  Diet tonic like low-cal chips and yogurt dip.  Few good things in life gin and tonic one of them.  Lucy like to kick back when she drink, forget diet for a while.  Oh well Lucy make do.

Where gin gin gin Lucy need gin.  Liquor cabinet liquor liquor liquor.

Gordon’s Gin in the plastic family-sized bottle?  Lucy like Tanqueray #10 in cool green glass.  Plastic spoil gin no can taste juniper berries Lucy love juniper berries!

Fine.  Any limes in this dump?  Lime lime lime Janey–you forgot finger sign for lime?  LIME!  In fridge?  Thanks.

Plastic squeeze-bottle lime juice?  Oh now Lucy really living it up!  Diet tonic cheap gin–and juice from a plastic lime!

Jane really know how to make Lucy feel special.  Really great friend.  Jane can’t tell from finger sign but Lucy being sarcastic.

So.  We just going to sit here and stare at each other?  Jane going to read a frigging magazine?  What is it with Jane?

What Jane reading?  Glamour?  Marie Claire?  Let Lucy see.

The Journal of Primatological Studies? Jane has got to be kidding.  It’s Friday night and Jane going to sit home reading egghead human quarterly?  With no pictures.  And footnotes to boot.

Excuse Lucy.  Lucy watch TV.  No need to talk to Lucy okay Jane?  Lucy know she not smart as Jane–Jane don’t have to rub it in.

Where’s the remote?  Where is the freaking remote?  WHY CAN’T JANE LEAVE REMOTE OUT WHERE STUPID MONKEY CAN FIND IT!   Jane only watch Downton Abbey.  Would it be too much to ask Jane to just leave the clicker on the coffee table?  Oh–here it is.  Between sofa cushions–great place for it.  Hmm–some peanuts down there too.  Good good good.

See what’s on.  News news news.  Basketball bo-ring.  Maybe Wild Kingdom on PBS.  PBS PBS PBS.  What–another pledge drive?  Lucy no want golf umbrella tote bag Three Tenors DVD!  Lucy no like!

Where TV Guide America most popular magazine?  Here.  Let’s see let’s see Friday.  Hey–Sex in the City at 8!  That good show for Jane and Lucy to watch together–real girl thing!  Maybe Lucy give Jane another chance.  Fun girls night in!

On HBO.  Where is HBO where is HBO where is HBO.  No HBO.

Lucy can’t believe it.  Jane buy Basic Cable.  Too cheap to get Premier Package.  It’s HBO, Janie girl–not exactly a luxury.   Sheesh.

Sit home read book.  Great idea.  Way to kick off the weekend.

Lucy need new roommate.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Wild Animals of Nature.”


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