In Bid to Stem Inflation Fed Auctions Dream Date With Janet Yellen

WASHINGTON, D.C.   Faced with the nation’s worst inflation in four decades, the Federal Reserve today announced plans for a festive gala next month that includes a “dream date” with Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen as one of the items up for bid at a silent auction.

Yellen:  “So-called ‘pop collars’ are leading indicators of inflation.”


“She’s got it all,” said current Federal Reserve Chair Jerome “Boog” Powell.  “That suburban hausfrau haircut, an unerring sense of fashion, and a really tight fiscal policy.”

“Oh God–she’s not going to wear THAT for her Congressional testimony, is she?”

“Silent auctions” are conducted by mimes. They are frequently used by charities to allow donors to get rid of worthless crap that clutters up their attics and basements.  A “live” auction is conducted by a licensed graduate of an auctioneering school or a country and western singer performing the Leroy Van Dyke hit “The Auctioneer.”

Yellen agreed to participate in the affair with good humor, telling Randal K. Quarles, current Fed Vice Chair for Supervision, her favorite joke: “A Greek, an Italian and a Spaniard walk into a bar and drink all night–who pays?” she asked.

The banker thought for a moment, then said “I don’t know.”

“A German,” Yellen replied with a laugh before leaving on a shopping binge with Fed Governors Michelle Bowman and Lisa Cook.

Silent auction: “A cool fleece pullover with the Fed logo?  I’ll bid . . . $5.”

Inflation is traditionally defined as an economic condition in which too much money is chasing too few goods and services, this reporter notes after button-holing Powell as he made his way to the Federal Reserve cafeteria, where his favorite lunch entree–“American chop suey”–was on the menu.  How exactly is the promise of a date with Yellen supposed to dampen inflation?

“We don’t expect any bidders,” Powell says, “so the zero price of that commodity will trigger deflation.”


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