Classical Conductor Ups Ante, Says “Call Me Jellyroll”

BUFFALO, New York. Conductors of major metropolitan symphony orchestras are known to be a highly competitive and egotistical lot, but a recent move by the Buffalo Symphony’s musical director has the normally-sedate world of classical music buzzing.


Scalzi:  “I also like to be called ‘The Big Boss With the Hot Sauce.'”

“It is my desire that other conductors should henceforth refer to me as ‘Jellyroll,'” said Riccardo Scalzi. “I am the big dog with the baton right now, and I think they should recognize me as such.”


Ferdinand “Jelly Roll” Morton

The nickname “Jellyroll” was first used by Ferdinand Morton, the self-proclaimed inventor of jazz who learned his trade playing in New Orleans’ houses of prostitution. The word “jellyroll” alludes to the resemblance between the pastry and the male sexual organ, and its adoption by Morton served as public proclamation of his superior position in his predominantly male musical world.

Other conductors were quick to respond, with most saying they would not honor Scalzi by using his chosen monicker. “He ain’t da big dog,” said Isidore Mazel of the Sheboygan Philharmonic Orchestra. “I’m da big dog–I take two strong men and a boy with me when I go to the bathroom ’cause my doctor told me not to lift heavy objects.”


Ozara:  “Scalzi has sex on the brain.  He told me a story about a two-peckered billy goat who walks into a bar . . .”

Akira Marukawa, former director of the Billings, Montana Symphony Orchestra, refused to take sides in the dispute, but said that the strength of a symphony was based primarily on factors other than its conductor. “We are at best glorified timekeepers,” Marukawa said modestly. “A great symphony is made up of great musicians and a great selection of candies and snacks available at intermission, which people tell me is their favorite part of my performances.”

Mazel stood his ground, however, saying Marukawa was in no position to judge his talents. “That little schlong? Please. He couldn’t carry my jock strap to the podium.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “The Genteel Crowd: Being Vulgar is So Much More Fun.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s