VATICAN CITY. As the Vatican moved to make peace with The Beatles, ending a four-decade-long feud that began with an irreverent quip by John Lennon, other so-called “British Invasion” bands including The Rolling Stones said they would settle for no less than a blanket pardon.
The Beatles: “We’re more popular than Jesus and The Dave Clark Five!”
“If you’re going to go around handing out indulgences like they’re penny candy, I want me some forgiveness too,” said Mick Jagger, who had requested an audience with Pope Paul VI in 1970 only to be told that The Rolling Stones “Satanic Majesties Request” album rendered such a meeting impossible.
“The Beatles, they could get away with that psychedelic crap,” the Pope noted in his encyclical “On the Abandonment of Blue-Eyed British Soul by a Certain Band I Won’t Mention But Whose Initials are TRS.” “For the Stones–the band that gave the world ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’–to turn to cheap lava-lamp rock is beyond forgiveness,” the pontiff said, consigning the Stones to limbo, a netherworld between heaven and hell where rock bands and doo wop groups go before they reassemble for reunion tours at Holiday Inns.
“Why canta you boys make another album like-a ’12 X 5′?”
In 1966 John Lennon said that The Beatles were more popular that Jesus Christ, setting off a firestorm among faithful Christians and Herman’s Hermits, an ascetic sect whose music was played at teen dances in the hope of stemming incoming tides of adolescent hormonal lust.
Herman’s Hermits: “You can kiss her, but you can’t feel her up.”
“It was a noble experiment, but it was doomed to fail,” said sociologist Harmon Kardon, who studies the culture of the ’60’s. “If you play ‘I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am’ too many times, you put the propagation of the human species at risk.”
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