SAN ANTONIO, Texas. Following their runaway victory over Stanford in last night’s NCAA championship game, NBA President David Stern has extended an invitation to the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team to join the professional league this fall, replacing the New Jersey Nets.
“Those young ladies put on a demonstration of hustle, skills and determination that showed a national TV audience what basketball is all about,” Stern said as he was doused with Diet Coke in the winner’s locker room. “I wish I could say the same about New Jersey.”
Under the proposal the Nets would join the Metrowest, Mass. CYO Elite division, playing against 12 and 13-year olds selected on the basis of tryouts and their parents’ obnoxiousness. “It’s a competitive league, no doubt about it,” said Mike Ward, coach of the St. Zepherin Zephyrs of Natick, Mass. “It’ll take the Nets a couple of years to get acclimated, but they’ll pick first in the fall draft based on their abysmal record.”
The 53-47 win over Stanford was UConn’s 78th straight and clinched their second consecutive NCAA Division I championship. At their current 11-66 pace, the Nets would win seventy-eight games in the year 2012 unless, as predicted by Mayan mythology, the team moves to Brooklyn and the world ends first.
The Nets are a former ABA team that is owned in part by rapper Shawn Corey Carter, better known as Jay-Z. Mr. Z pleaded guilty to misdemeanor criminal charges in 2000 stemming from the release of a duet with Mariah Carey after initially denying he was anywhere near the studio at the time of the recording.
The UConn women’s basketball team has overcome numerous obstacles in becoming the premier program in the nation, including lack of funding. “We’re a public institution,” noted the school’s Assistant Director of Sports Information Beverly DiPasquale. “We need to save every nickel we make to pay the men.”