My Courageous Struggle With Preauricular Sinus

For me, the weekends are the hardest.  Not because I’m lonely, like Charlie Rich, who sang that he made it all right from Monday morning to Friday night, but oh–those lonely weekends.


Charlie Rich on Thursday night, getting ready to be lonely.

 

No, I’m not lonely on weekends, if anything I have the opposite problem.  Wherever I go there’s a walk-a-thon, a bike-a-thon, people tramping around, blocking public ways better used for normal non-charitable activities.  If I go indoors, there’s a raffle, a silent auction, people raising money . . . always for other people’s problems.

But not mine.

I am one of the miniscule .001% of Americans who suffer from preauricular sinus.  Translated from med-school-ese, that means I have a hole in my ear.

What’s the big deal? you say.  Everybody has holes in their ears.

Not like mine and my fellow preauricular sinus-sufferers, they don’t.  In addition to the big hole in the middle, we have little holes near the top of one–or both!–ears, where the cartilage meets the face.


Gross!

We try our darndest, we victims of PAS, to hide our condition.  We comb our hair so as to conceal the little hole, or we wear bike helmets indoors.  You don’t know the pain, the suffering that we bear when we’re talking to somebody–a friend, an acquaintance, a friendly clerk at our helpful service-oriented Registry of Motor Vehicles–and suddenly hear the words “Hey, I never noticed before, but you have an extra little hole in your ear.”


“If your name begins with the letters A through Z, line up to the left.  If you have an extra little hole in your ear, your license has been revoked.”

 

“Where?” we’ll say, hoping to deflect our inquisitor’s attention while a meteor crashes into the earth, destroying all human life.  It never comes.

“Right there,” your interlocutor will point out helpfully, “where the cartilage meets the face.”

“How about those Red Sox/Celtics/Bruins/Patriots?” we ask, depending on the season, but no one is fooled by this transparent ruse.

My mom told me that the little hole in my right ear was nothing to be ashamed of.  That the Good Lord made me special, and she thought I was special, and I would always be special to her.

“Well, of course,” I replied cynically.  “If you’ve got an extra hole in your ear, it’s kind of hard to blend in with the crowd.”

“No one will ever notice–it’s so tiny!” she’d say.

“But you just said it was what made me special,” I’d say, using the brutal logic of which pre-adolescent males whose minds have been broken on the Baltimore Catechism are capable.  “That’s all that makes me special?”


“That’s okay, Timmy.  Someday Lassie will teach you how to read.”

 

At this point mom would take me in her arms and hug me, like Timmy’s mom on Lassie when his collie would outscore him on a long division pop quiz, or correct him on the principal exports of the Benelux countries.  “I’m sure you’ll grow up to be a successful, accomplished person,” she would say.  “You’ll just have to find a girl with very poor eyesight if she isn’t going to notice that . . . thing.”


Technically this is a lie, but you can throw it into your Saturday afternoon confession.

 

Once you get to college and you meet smarty-pants pre-med students who get straight A’s in biology, the Jesuitical evasions become more difficult.  “You know,” they say as you line up a shot on the pool table in the basement of your dorm, “that little hole you have in your ear is caused by the first and second pharyngeal arches.”

“You don’t say,” you say, as you nonchalantly stroke the 14 ball into the corner pocket.

“Yeah.  It occurs in all vertebrates during embryonic development.  In mammals it usually becomes part of the structure of the head and neck.  In fish . . .”

The room becomes so quiet you can hear a quarter drop in the soda machine.

“Yes?” one of the guys waiting his turn on the disgusting couch that’s a breeding ground for all manner of insects will ask.

” . . . it develops into gills.”

“Ew!” Jeri, the girlfriend of a pre-med student will say as she walks through to the kitchen.  And you scratch on the 8 ball.

“Dude,” one of the stoner kids who’s on academic probation will say.  “You’re like the Creature From the Black Lagoon!”

This monicker will stick, of course, since young men compete with each other for the attention of young women, and will cling to any edge they can grasp on their way up the slippery rock face of evolution.  Better that I procreate than this loser, they will say from deep within their subconscious–or even pre-conscious–minds.

Once the Star Wars movies came out, the prospect of a fish-headed humanoid became more than a vague presentiment in the minds of my generation.  There was Admiral Ackbar, like a goldfish out of water, my worst nightmare!  I was afraid to go to Petco for fear of the comparisons, invidious or not.  “Nice,” someone might say.  “Is there a Star Wars convention in town?”


Admiral Ackbar

 

So contrary to your first impression, preauricular sinus is a serious and debilitating handicap, for which there is no Labor Day telethon, nor a single comedian who’s ever ended his act by saying “But seriously, folks, there are guys out there tonight sitting at home, watching this show, because they’re too ashamed to come be part of the studio audience, all on account of stupid little holes in their ears.”

So you’ll just have to do something on your own for bitter, disfigured, disillusioned guys like me.  You’ll have to dig down deep, and give so that we can finally, someday, do something about those unsightly ear holes.

The little ones, not the big ones.

 

As Whole Language Yuppies Move In, Phonics Junkies Are Forced Out

BOSTON.  The neighborhood here known as the South End has historically been a transitional stop on the way up–or down–the social ladder.  “We got the winos and junkies who lost their last best hope of realizing the American Dream,” says long-time bar owner Michael “Mickey” Flaherty, “and then we got the freshly-minted MBA’s who work long hours and can’t afford the suburbs yet, or ‘yuppie scum’ as I affectionately refer to them.”


Boston’s South End

The clash between those on the rise and those who have fallen off the treadmill of the American economy has been exacerbated of late by a different dimension of assessment besides education and income, however; younger residents who learned to read by the “whole language” method, which allows children to select their own reading matter and emphasizes recognition of words in everyday contexts so that teachers can have more and longer breaks, and older residents who learned to read through phonics, a form of corporal punishment inflicted by sadistic instructors that actually works.


“If you can read this sign you probably took phonics.”

“It’s sad to see what happened to my older brother,” says Nora Gilson, who at the age of 60 harkens back to the watershed point when elementary school teachers gave up on phonics and turned to whole language instruction because they were tired of drumming syllable sounds into impressionable young heads.  “He learned to read, and now can’t watch television for thirty seconds without turning it off in disgust.”


“Listen, pal–if you pronounce it ‘ven-TIE’ one more time I’m throwing you outta here.”

The addictive power of phonics has led to an underground black market in “Hooked on Phonics” tapes, which phonics “junkies” use to “shoot up” in dark alleys so narrow that quotation marks are often scraped off of words that pass through them.  “It’s a real shibboleth,” says Armand St. Gregoire, a professor of linguistics the University of Massachusetts-Seekonk campus, referring to the word used to distinguish Gileadites from Ephraimites in Biblical times.  “A yuppie will walk into Starbucks and pronounce v-e-n-t-i as ‘VEN-tea’ because they know the culture while some homeless guy will say ‘ven-TIE’ and get thrown out of the place.”


“Will read your homeowner’s insurance policy for food.”

The scars that phonics leaves on its victims are worn as badges of pride by some, who point out that whole language learners are more likely to watch “The Bachelorette” or think Marcel Proust is a goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs.  “Sure I coulda been successful and spend all my time in airports and lobbies watching drivel on TV screens,” says a man in a green “snorkel” coat who identifies himself only as “Marty.”  “But then I wouldn’t have the satisfaction of making fun of the guys on SportsCenter.”

There’s Nothing Rougher Than a Genteel Crowd

It’s springtime, which means that across America, crowds are filling auditoriums with the sound of their voices, yelling loudly–sometimes angrily–as they watch young people crash into each other.  I’m not talking about the NBA Playoffs.  I’m referring to spring dance recitals.

I was introduced to the rough and tumble world of youth dance recitals nearly two decades ago, and yet the memory is still painful.  My wife, who taught introductory ballet, thought it might be fun if I brought our two sons to watch the end-of-season extravaganza, in which children (mainly girls) dress up and dance to songs from Disney movies.  Thematic unity among music, costumes and dance is not required, nor even encouraged.

At the last minute my wife asked if we would change seats with a woman whose failing vision made it difficult for her to see the stage.  As we stood up to do so the lights went down, causing momentary disorientation as our eyes adjusted to the dark.  We moved hesitantly up the aisle and across a row of seats, and as the curtain went up we heard the tender expression of a mother’s love.

“Sit down, fer Christ sake!” a woman yelled at us, her video camera rolling.

“Get out of the way, you idiot!” another screamed.

I don’t want to sound judgmental, but the crowd at a Marvelous Marvin Hagler fight I once attended seemed decorous by contrast.


“No way.  I ain’t goin’ to no youth dance recital.”

 

The incident recalled another encounter with the madness of genteel crowds I experienced at a recital by Gustav Leonhardt, world-renowned keyboard player, at Harvard.  Leonhardt was to perform on a specially re-constructed 18th century harpsichord, but it was a cold night and the heating system in the concert hall–only slightly newer than the harpsichord–wasn’t working well.  Leonhardt came out and announced that he was sorry but the cold temperature made the instrument unplayable and he would perform instead on a modern instrument.


Gustav Leonhardt:  “Why don’t you come up here and say that, punk?”

 

A fellow came in after this announcement and sat listening for a while, growing more agitated by the moment.  Finally, after Leonhardt had performed three pieces on the newer keyboard, the man stood up and yelled “PLAY THE F _ _ KING CLAVICHORD!”  Then, to everyone’s relief, he stormed out.

boston1
Classical music fight, Boston Pops

 

And I’m sure you recall the incident in 2007 when a fight broke out between two well-dressed audience members at a Boston Pops concert.  It seems one guy was talking and another guy asked him to please be quiet.  Let me tell you, at a classical music performance, them’s fighting words.


“Fer christ sake–this ain’t the goddamn Symphony!”

 

I don’t know what it is that makes crowds at hoity-toity events lose their cool, but I have a theory.  It’s all the excuse-me-pardon-me-oh-I’m-so-sorry sheen they put on their personalities when they get all dolled up to go out.  Unlike spectators at, say, a Boston Bruins game, among whom it is considered the height of pretension to tuck in one’s jersey.  The more refined the spectators, the more easily they snap.  Fans at baseball games may yell “Kill the umpire!”, but this is a critical judgment, not a call to arms.

Maybe if classical concert-goers would let go with a “Kill the conductor!” every now and then, we could all listen to the effing clavichord in peace.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “The Genteel Crowd: It’s So Much More Fun Being Vulgar.”

Ode to a Bespectacled Optometrist Maiden

Dorothy Parker, just for a lark,
wrote a poem we remember
for what’s now called “snark”:

“Men seldom make passes
at girls who wear glasses,”

rings down through the years
and one guesses its laughter is watered with tears.

Back in the day before contact lenses,
return with me now as her amanuensis
to tell you the tale of an optometrist
whose practice precluded all romantic trysts.

She could hardly tell people that eyewear’s a problem;
she’d lose all her patients as soon as she’d got them.

So she wore her glasses wherever she went;
she thus had no luck with unattached gents,

and therefore she suffered as Parker foreshadowed;
her first beau said “no,” and the rest all said “ditto.”

But I liked the look retro–
the sturdy black glasses
you saw on the metro
on avant-garde lasses.

It adds one more layer
For one to remove
After spending the day
Viewing nudes at the Louvre.

Horn-rimmed specs on
The bridge of the nose
Is the nasal version
Of legs with hose;

The greater the number of impediments
The hotter the erotic sentiments–
Nature creates romantic suction
By fences and snares to a woman’s seduction.

So when to her office I went for a check up
the hottest part of her was straight from her neck up.

I sat in her chair and I read rows of letters
The sizes got smaller–I didn’t get better.
She checked me for pink eye, and also glaucoma
I hoped she’d ignore my cheese pizza aroma.

My passions rose higher as she wrote my prescription
I lusted in ways that would beggar description.

I couldn’t let go— I needed her badly
So stalling for time I said to her madly:

“Please make sure that you have all the facts—
You haven’t run tests yet to find cataracts;
Or the dreaded curse of a detached retina—
In one of my two eyes, I’ve got one, I’ll bet ya.”

She leaned over on me, the better to see stuff;
’twas now or never To devour this cream puff.

I hugged her so tightly
Time entered suspension;
I came to myself
And she asked my intentions.

“I don’t care if your glasses
Are Coke bottle bottoms
Leave the things on,
as long as you’ve got ‘em.
Remove, if you would,
all your other accoutrements
Your harlequin frames
are a romantic nutriment.

“And then when you’re nekkid,
Except for your specs,
We’ll have wild if blurry
Astigmatist sex.”

Moral:  You never know what will turn a guy on.

From “The Girl With the Cullender on Her Head (and Other Wayward Women)” available in Kindle and print format on amazon.com.

My Chequered Career With Older Women

In retrospect, I wasn’t ready to leave home yet. I was full of myself and thought I could handle the wider world that my older siblings had set out to see before me.

But I soon found myself lost, adrift, not knowing how to deal with the many slings and arrows that come flying at you once you set out to make it on your own. I retreated within myself, and became sullen, moody, withdrawn.


“Yer damn right I gargled in the boys’ room!”

 

I could often be found sitting alone, looking longingly at those who had the self-confidence I lacked. As they went about their business while I was frozen by fear, I turned first to innocent mischief–gargling loudly in the restroom–and then to actual vandalism, acting out my frustrations, my inability to cope, through destructive behavior.

And so it was that I found myself looking furtively about a crowded room as I surreptititously executed a particularly nasty bit of sabotage. Margaret–she wouldn’t deign to be called “Maggie” or “Meg” or “Peg” or “Margie,” she was so mature–approached with a reserved and austere manner and sat down next to me. “I know what you’re doing,” she said as she put her hand on my forearm. She and I looked down together at my fingers–covered with paste that I was smearing under the rim of the table as a trap for unwary kindergarteners when they sat down to work on their arts and crafts projects. “You don’t need to do that to impress me.”


*sniff* How I envied them!

 

Thus it was through the ministrations of an older woman–she was 4, I was a precocious “early admit” to Miss Swopes’ Kindergarden at the age of 3–that I was diverted from a life of crime to the semi-productive path of 2 years of pre-school, 8 years of grade school, 4 each of high school and college and 3 of grad school that have made me the man I am today.

.caril
Caril Ann Fugate

 

I can only look back and wonder–what would have happened if I had been the elder of the two of us; what if I had played the 18-year-old thrill-killer Charlie Starkweather to her 13-year-old Caril Ann Fugate–adjusted downwards in years? Would I have infused her with my growing sense of nihilism, touched her arm and drawn it tenderly to my paste jar; dipped her fingers in; then spread them . . . slowly, sensuously . . . under the table, implicating her in my crime.


“Yes I spread paste under that table–and I’d do it agin!”

 

There’s no point in asking, the question answers itself. And so I say, thank God for older women.

Margaret was the first, but she wasn’t the only one. There was 16-year-old Connie, who looked out the rear view mirror of her canary yellow 1967 Plymouth Barracuda and made a gesture so arresting it shocked me at the tender age of 15, and it resonates to this day; her tongue between two fingers, communicating wordlessly to me her favorite form of erotic play. Don’t make me cut and paste a Google image in violation of federal copyright laws and my firm’s Dignity-in-the-Workplace policy–use your imagination, like Barney the Purple Dinosaur!

Of course my career with older women hasn’t been an unbroken string of successes, not by a long shot.  There was the woman with the dirty blonde hair who disabused me of my retrograde thinking on the War in Vietnam.  Most kids were studiously ignoring the escalating conflict, but I’d learned that Vietnamese Catholics were being repressed by the Commies, just like the early Christians in Rome.  I mean, they weren’t thrown to lions, but they would soon be ground beneath the heel of the godless Viet Cong, and so our young, handsome, philandering President John F. Kennedy, the first Catholic to occupy the highest office in the land, had to take a stand.  The woman–I can’t use her name for fear of retribution even after all these years, but her initials were Carolyn Willard–would remember my reactionary views when I called her up several summers later when she was a college sophomore back in town for summer vacation.  “I don’t think so,” she said icily when I asked her out.  “Your politics are like your complexion–immature.”

I have learned so much from older women. There was Arlene Rosenberg, who taught me the hair-splitting differences between the principles of Revolutionary Youth Movement I and Revolutionary Youth Movement II back in the heady days of 70’s college radicalism. I didn’t know a Bolshevik from a Menshevik then, but Arlene–the spit and image of Emma Goldman–set me straight.


Emma Goldman: Cute–in a revolutionary sort of way.

 

We never made it, Arlene and me; she was 19 and I, just 17 years old, still riding the wave of precocity that I’d climbed aboard when I jump-started my education at the age of 3. Besides, it would have been embarrassing, she was my college roommate’s sister. Somehow it seemed . . . incestuous. And anyway, she was too busy spreading free love all over the South Side of Chicago in the name of revolution.

But still, she taught me, in the way that older women do, the things that younger men need to know. Trotsky was a traitor to the revolution, don’t mix kosher and trayfe, you can take the same course twice taught by different professors, get a better grade the second time and no one will ever know.

I like to think I taught her–and all of the older women in my life–a little something too.

Men your age are immature enough–why do you want to make things worse for yourself by dating somebody younger?

Fed Chair: Sports Tchotchkes Next Bubble to Burst

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen warned Congress yesterday that a speculative bubble in over-priced sports “tchotchkes” threatens the nation’s fragile recovery, and could hamper more tasteful decorating schemes of female consumers.

yellen
“It was this enormous tacky gew-gaw with a little statue of somebody named Tom Brady.”

 

“Price stability and decorating predictability are the hallmarks of guidance on fiscal and monetary parameters in periods of misallocation of resources to blah-blah-blah,” Yellen said in “Fedspeak,” the Esperanto of central bankers.  “Money spent on commemorative sports doo-dads represents expenditures more wisely used on window treatments, such as swags and jabots.”

brady
“But honey–it was a limited edition!”

 

The all-male panel of the Senate Banking Committee responded negatively to Yellen’s dour assessment of the potential upside in sports collectibles, saying consumer spending by sports-obsessed males could jump start the economy.  “When you go to the ballpark everybody wants a souvenir,” said Edward Markey (D-MA).  “Cash you don’t spend in the gift shop is money that would just go to waste being saved in some boring bank, and that’s no fun.”

pillows
Pillows are like prunes: Is 6 enough?  12 too many?

 

Yellen cited a Keynesian “multiplier” effort to more tasteful decorating expenditures, saying the purchase of a burnt sienna throw pillow often resulted in supplementary purchases of similar goods in ecru, brick and seafoam.  “Basically, you buy one piece of commemorative Super Bowl crap you’ve shot your wad,” she noted drily.

senate
“Next thing you know she’ll be going after your Packers throwback helmet desk lamp!”

 

Republican members of the committee said their Democratic counterparts in the majority were only getting their comeuppance after they ignored the counsel of colleagues in the minority party.  “I told you there was a reason the name of the job was ‘Chairman’,” noted Mike Crapo (R-ID).  “Don’t cry to me when they come after your limited edition 2014 Ralph Lauren Ryder Cup Big Pony Hooded Windbreaker.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Our Friends the Fed.”

Pain of Divorce Leads One Golfer to Repay His Debt in Kind

HYANNIS, Mass.  The self-absorption of many amateur golfers is a phenomenon too widely-known to require comment, but Dan Norkrantz, a “serial entrepreneur” who has built and sold many businesses at a handsome profit, was unaware of his failing in this regard until he was served with divorce papers by his wife of twenty years.  “I had no idea I bored her for two decades with stories about my toughest shots from sand traps, and I genuinely regret it,” he says as he shakes his head ruefully.  “I mean, I had to write her one humongous check when she finally told me.”

But Norkrantz considered the criticisms that are now laid out in nauseating detail in family court records here, and took a long, hard look at the man he’d become.  “I had to admit my failings,” he says with a tone that suggests he now lives with a clean conscience.  “Other guys would spring for a platinum sponsorship at a charity tournament for $10,000, while I was down at the putting green level for $500.”

So Norkrantz began to take concrete steps to make himself less self-centered, and he decided to start, so to speak, at the first tee.  “The two things I know are golf and business,” he says as he plants a wooden tee in the ground.  “I came up with the idea of bringing the two together in a way that would help guys less fortunate than me.”

With a dragnet through the poorer sections of this Cape Cod community Norkrantz gathered three down-on-their-luck men to make a regular foursome that he says he will use to teach his “partners” how they can use golf to turn their current state of hopeless despair into successful business careers.  “I had a heart-to-heart with each one of these guys,” he says as he nods at the other three men who wait their turn to tee off here at the Capeward Winds Country Club.  “What they need are the habits of a good employee; show up on time, do your job, and if you really want to get ahead . . . play a lot of golf.”


     Heavy.

 

After a shopping spree at the pro shop the three non-members are outfitted in the sort of brightly-colored clothes that wouldn’t look out of place on a pimp hustling a string of girls on Main Street of this town, where there are extremes of both wealth and poverty.  “I like those hot pink psychedelic pants, they remind me of my days dealing drugs in San Francisco,” says a grizzled man who identifies himself only as “Mitch.”  “Hope I don’t start having acid flashbacks,” he adds with a sly smile.

The players who are new to the game stroke their tee shots with varying degrees of success, and Norkrantz introduces them to the concept of a “mulligan”–a second opportunity to improve on a muffed first shot.  “You don’t often get a second chance,” he says, adopting a didactic tone.  “My goal is to give you guys a mulligan on life, so to speak, so don’t screw up next time.”

The three hard-luck duffers aren’t sure whether to take this aside as a joke or a sermon, and they laugh nervously as they hop into electric golf carts.  “They say walking’s good exercise,” Norkrantz says, “but once you guys have been rehabilitated, you’ll realize that time is money and you can’t waste it just to stay in shape.”

“You want to make this interesting?” Norkrantz says as he lines up a three iron shot following a drive that barely traveled a hundred yards.  “Five bucks says I’m on the green in two.”

“I haven’t got five bucks,” says a man known as “Bo Peep” whose hair is matted into a shape and texture that resembles a wasps’ next.

“I’ll front you a fin,” Norkrantz says, then, after a few practice swings, strokes an awkward shot that lands in a water hazard to the right of the second green.  “You win,” he says, then hands the man $5.  “See–golf has already helped you increase your income.”

After the foursome putts out and drives off the third tee, Norkrantz grows philosophical as he drives with a black man nicknamed “T-Bone” down the 290-yard par 5.  “Golf is great for getting to know people,” Norkrantz says.  “It helps you forget all those nagging little details you have to live with every day.”

“Like what?” T-Bone asks, since his last job in a chicken-processing plant ended nearly two decades earlier, and he is unaware of the drawbacks of life in the executive suite.

“Like your wife, if you’ve got one,” Norkrantz says as he lets up on the pedal and the cart rolls to a stop.  “Also kids.  You drop them off at the pool and they’re somebody else’s problem for the next four hours.”


“I get the feeling I’m forgetting something.  Wife?  Kids?”

 

The round ends with Norkrantz–a scratch golfer–the winner, but with each of his partners slightly to the good thanks to side bets he has charitably arranged in their favor.  The four men head to the “19th hole” for refreshments, and over drinks the businessman hammers home his point about the importance of golf to success in commerce and life.

“You guys ought to come back out for our member-guest in June,” he says as he mops his brow with a cloth napkin bearing the club’s crest, a roseate tern being plunked on the head by an errant golf ball.

“What’s a member-guest?” Mitch asks.

“I’d hook up with one of you guys and we’d play eighteen holes against other teams,” Norkrantz replies.  “Then there’d be a dinner-dance that night.”

“So just one of us could come?” T-Bone asks.

“That’s right, unless one of you joins the club, then you could invite the fourth.”

“How much does it cost to join?” Bo Peep asks, pulling out the $5 he won earlier as he enjoys a free beer on Norkrantz’s tab.

“Initiation fee is $250,000, so you’ll need to save up a lot of bottles and cans,” Norkrantz says, referring to the five cent deposit paid in this state.

“Where am I ever going to get that kind of money?” Mitch asks, dumbfounded at the cost of the moderate luxury he sees around him.  “Rob a bank?”

Norkrantz is a bit taken aback, and at the same time disappointed that the three men haven’t grasped the life lesson he has tried to teach them.  “Do like I did and play a lot of golf,” he says finally, with a note of annoyance in his voice.  “You’ve got to spend money to make money.”