GRVNKIZ, Freedonia. Myornik Dozlobo is a tractor repair-woman third class who usually doesn’t pay much attention to politics, but this year is different, she says. “I cannot stomach that man Zbirgniew Olaksik,” she says of Freedonia’s prime minister, who is currently serving the last six months of a prison sentence for embezzling weasels, which back the nation’s currency. “On the other hand, this Elianali Dorzibna is a slut,” she says, referring to a back-bencher in the lower house of Freedonia’s legislature who broke a budgetary deadlock by lifting her peasant’s blouse when the opposition party shouted in unison “Show us your blopskis,” vulgar slang for mammary glands.
Dozlobo: “You want your gears greased?”
So Dozlobo, like a growing number of similarly-disgusted Freedonians, is turning her frustrated eyes to America where she finds the presidential candidates of the two main political parties “not so bad,” despite the widespread disgust felt by voters in the U.S. at the choices their democracy has left them with. “They are both relatively handsome men,” Dozlobo says. “Biden’s hair-plugger did a good job on him, and how Trump always looks so tan is a mystery to me.”
Elianali Dorzibna: “Yes I show boobs to get budget passed–so what?”
As a result there is a movement here to allow Freedonians to vote in both primary and general presidential elections, a cause that would seem hopelessly quixotic were it not for efforts across America to allow non-citizens to cast ballots, a Democratic strategy that makes a mockery of political science, but eminent good sense politically. “It used to be you had to pay ‘walking around money’ to get people to vote illegally,” says campaign strategist Zack Gabriel. “Freedonians can be bought off cheap with chewing gum, shoelaces and rubber washers, so your corruption dollar goes much further.”
“Snack-pak” of rubber washers in various sizes: Yum!
Republicans find themselves playing “catch-up” in some states where Freedonians are already registering to vote on-line using procedures put in place during the COVID-19 pandemic. “Why should I have to live in a first-world shit-hole like Chicago just to vote there,” says Naruzkzi Gometrickz, a goat-breeder whose barn walls are covered with blue ribbons from local and provincial livestock expositions. “I vote from the comfort of my home in my third-world shit-hole, I don’t even have to go through the second-world.”
“We’re having a two-votes-for-the-price-of-one special!”
Non-citizen voting has become a contentious issue in American politics for many years, despite its facial absurdity, with legal scholars pointing to an 18th century Massachusetts precedent that allowed males to vote regardless of citizenship so long as they were at least 21 years old and had an annual income of three pounds or an estate worth sixty pounds. When told of this forgotten history, Dozlobo was encouraged. “I may not be male,” she said, “but I fix tractor just as good and I gained more than three pounds last year.”
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