It’s coming: Valentine’s Day, after New Year’s Eve, the second most dreaded day on the calendar for singles, grade school Romeos, and philanderers. Thankfully, Cosmopolitan magazine regularly publishes tips on how to have a boyfriend by the time significant holidays roll around, and I save them–the articles, not the holidays–for your convenience and to mock them mercilessly when the “mood” to add superfluous quotation marks hits me. Here are some of my favorite suggestions from Cosmos past:
Stock photo couple rubbing noses.
Take a long walk during a full moon.
The people at Cosmo–they’re the experts, right? So there must be some point to this tip, included in the 2009 article “How to Have a Boyfriend by the Holidays.” Wait–I get it. What woman wants to waste a perfectly good romantic holiday on a hairy guy who’s going to go all werewolf on her once a month? That’s her job!
Wolf Man model kit: Yes, I had one as a boy.
Go ice skating, even if you don’t know how!
Nothing’s cuter than an inept couple mauling each other as they try to stand up on a slippery surface! Be sure to skate indoors, as assiduous reading of Boy’s Life Magazine in my youth has convinced me that nobody goes skating on a pond without falling through the ice.
Special this month: Another little brother falls through the ice!
Pick a town you’re never visited, get in the car and drive there.
This tried-and-true dating technique, also known as “kidnapping,” is a great way to cut through the noisy “meat-market” atmosphere of superficial singles bars and get to know that “someone special” a little better. While prohibited in some states, it worked for Patty Hearst! A favorite “ice breaker” question: “What did you think of William Faulkner’s Sanctuary?”
Surprise him with an unexpected date that will blow his mind: a shooting range, boxing match, or beer and chocolate tasting.
To my mind, a beer and chocolate tasting spoils two good things, but what do I know? Listen to your inner Cosmo Girl–the one who keeps whispering “I’m desperate”–and find a Sunday afternoon “meat shoot” at a local hunting club or veterans’ lodge.
“Meat shoot” participants: “We don’t get many gals at these shin-digs.”
If you strike out with your intended, there’ll be plenty of over-60 guys with beer bellies to latch onto.
Think about it: You’ve never seen an alien from the THX 1138 spiral galaxy without a date on Valentine’s Day, have you? I didn’t think so! That’s because space aliens plan ahead, thanks to the miracle of relativity. “If you can travel faster than the speed of light, you will be able to know who won’t have a date on Valentine’s Day light years from now,” says Cal Tech physicist Norbert Huang. This allows you to avoid blowing big bucks on Whitman’s Samplers and Evening in Paris perfume.
Be sure to use Vaseline petroleum jelly before attaching electrodes to your date for full-body-cavity probes. He’ll appreciate it!