Hockey Wisdom of the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama wore a Boston Bruins hat during an appearance at the Boston Garden.

Boston Herald

dalai lama

My religion is very simple: forecheck, forecheck, forecheck.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, wait until Brad Marchand catches you skating with your head down.

Every day when you wake up, think “I am not going to get angry about others.  I am going to get even with others.”

Silence is sometimes the best answer.  If you go yapping to the linesman you could get a double minor penalty.

Pursue peace, not violence.  Unless you are behind the play and can whack somebody when the ref won’t see you.

This is my religion: Do not strive for worldly prizes, although frankly I think I deserve the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy for best sportsmanship.

Our prime purpose in life is to help others.  This is why you get a point for an assist, same as a goal.

People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness.  Although sometimes starting a fight with a high-scoring opponent can pay off for your team.

The way to change others’ minds is with affection, not anger.  However, you are not going to change the mind of a Montreal fan, as they are born without them.

For Second-Tier Ballet, Climb to First Rank Requires Puck

WORCESTER, Mass.  This gritty city in central Massachusetts is the second-largest in New England, a fact that comes as a surprise to many both outside its boundaries and in.  “You coulda knocked me over with a feather when I heard dat,” says Butch Wyznorski, who lives in the tough Main South area of town.  “I swore it was Hartford, or maybe Seekonk.”

Main South: Join us for the Festival of Burning Mattresses, this August!


That lack of notoriety is the source of some chip-on-the-shoulder resentment, as well as an attitude of boosterism that takes little provocation to erupt.  “Yes, we’re #2 in many respects,” says local Chamber of Commerce President Chuck Guertin, “but when it comes to industrial abrasives, Boston can’t touch us.”

Civic leaders hope to address the municipality’s inferiority complex with a new emphasis on the arts, starting with the Quinsigamond Ballet, the place to go to see local terpsichorean talent in action.  “We have everything we need to succeed,” says Artistic Director Jean Nataniel.  “Except for an audience.”

Pas de deux.

The company competes for a share of a limited local entertainment dollars spent on high culture, and will try to gain an edge on its fellow arts charities by a subscription series that will feature original works with connections to more popular amusements.  The first is a full-scale work created by Latvian choreographer Ivo Ozols entitled “Original Six,” a tribute to the founding clubs of the National Hockey League.

“People here love hockey, so why don’t we give them what they want is what I say,” says Nataniel.  “I have had a little trouble convincing Mr. Ozols of the importance of hockey to the region, but as every schoolboy knows we are home to the American Hockey League’s Worcester Sharks, the minor league affiliate of the San Jose Sharks.”


For his part, Ozols resisted a pure hockey-themed ballet, and worked to transform his assignment into a “mash-up” with the Old Testament in the hope of preserving his reputation among first-class ballet companies around the world, his target market.  “I imposed a leitmotif of original sin on the god-awful concept I was presented with,” he says as he sips a bottle of Moxie, the most popular soft drink in the city which is isolated–like Rome, Italy–by the seven hills that surround it.  “You have the Garden of Eden with the original six cities of Toronto, Montreal, Chicago, Boston, New York and Detroit,” he notes.  “Adam and Eve are expelled because they cannot comprehend the rule for ‘icing’–no one could.  The end result is a team from Los Angeles–the City of Angels–wins the Stanley Cup.”

Seven Hills Bus Station, Worcester:  Try the peanut butter crackers in the vending machine!


Critics were at first confused, then exasperated, and finally jubilant when they realized what they were seeing at an in-studio preview for big donors and the media.  “It was as delicate as a Cam Neely forecheck,” said Bendall Hyde of Worcester Arts Spectator.  “At the same time, I was glad to see the principal male dancer sent to the penalty box for a cross-check on that last fouette.

The company is hoping for a big opening night crowd, but a scheduling snafu may put the damper on that.  “Who was the bonehead who picked October 8th?” says Director of Operations Dick Tradzewski.

“What’s wrong with that date?” Nataniel asks.

“That’s the Bruins home opener against the Flyers!”

NHL Enforcers Use Lockout to Fight Bullying

BOSTON.  Sean McIlvanney was a top prospect for the Boston Bruins before this season, but it wasn’t for his skating, shooting or puckhandling skills.  “If I get into a game it’s for one reason only,” says the 24-year-old whose face looks like a railroad map due to the number of stitches it bears.  “I’m an instigator, and if I don’t get into a fight it’s a bad day at the office.”

“No, seriously–you go first.”


But McIlvanney’s skills are on ice for now as the owners’ lockout remains unresolved over financial issues, so he and other so-called “enforcers” are using their ample free time these days to help the growing anti-bullying movement.  “I know it sounds strange,” says Marty Deneen, a Detroit Red Wing who tallied fourteen game misconduct penalties last season, “but nobody knows how to stop a bully like a headhunter.”

“Use your stick upon his knees, ’til you hear his anguished pleas.”


This morning McIlvanney is at Andy Moog Elementary School in Natick, Mass. to speak to a group of fifth-graders, who have endured threats and physical violence from sixth-graders at the school.  “Your teachers will tell you that bullies are cowards, but that’s a bunch of baloney,” he begins, raising a skeptical eyebrow.  “They’re sadistic maggots, and you gotta beat ’em at their own game.”

“If some punk won’t let you by, poke a stick into his eye!”


He asks for volunteers, and Jason Berbick, a bespectacled boy who is interested in poetry, steps forward.  “Okay, Jason,” the towering jock asks the little boy, “What happens if I take off your glasses?”

“I can’t see,” the boy manages weakly.

“And is it easier to hit me when you can see, or when you can’t?”

“When I can.”

“Okay–so what does that tell us?”

A boy at a desk shoots up his hand.  “Make sure the other guy can’t see!”

“Was it something I said?”


“Exactly!” McIlvanney says, as he picks up a pointer from the blackboard chalk tray and holds it out gingerly towards Berbick.  “There’s nothing worse than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and you can run away while the other guy is screaming.”

In Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, Deneen is trying to draw out a group of reticent fourth graders whose giant snowman was recently toppled by a marauding band of fifth-grade toughs.  “Which would you rather have, a one-on-one or a two-on-one?” he asks the class.

“Two-on-one,” says Todd Reisdorph, a freckle-faced redhead who’s been tapped to play Santa Claus in his school play.  “That way you can pass it to somebody else.”

“Is somebody being a brat?  Remember to use your bat!”

“Okay, let’s think how we can use that against bullies.  Who’s one of dese fifth-grade punks who wrecked your snowman?”

“Bobby Gogarty,” Reisdorph says.  “I hate his guts.”

“Okay, so next time he shakes you down for lunch money, somebody else come up behind him and whack him behind the kneecaps with a bat!”

Elinor Rutman, a recent education school graduate who’s monitoring the proceedings, clears her throat and then speaks.  “I think we can be a little bit more constructive than that, Mr. Dineen,” she says delicately.

A look of embarrassment clouds the face of the brawny defenseman as he realizes his error.  “You’re right,” he says with chagrin, then turns to the class to correct the misimpression he’s created.  “Make sure it’s an aluminum bat,” he says, “and not one of those wimpy plastic Whiffle ones.”

Prep School Defensemen for Truth Question Kerry Hockey Record

BOSTON.  John Kerry spent his entire career in the shadow of Ted Kennedy, only to be eclipsed by newly-elected Republican Scott Brown within months of becoming the senior senator from Massachusetts.  Now he faces a new threat to his legacy; charges that he embellished his hockey accomplishments as a prep school forward in the 1960’s.


“I’m pretty sure I tipped it with my stick.”

A new group, Prep School Defensemen for Truth, issued a statement today alleging that Kerry never achieved a “hat trick”, the accolade earned by an individual player who scores three goals in a single game.  Kerry’s campaign biography has listed this accomplishment since he first lobbied for membership in Yale’s secretive Skull and Bones society.

Skull and Bones

Prep School Defensemen for Truth is composed of former Independent School League hockey players who competed against Kerry.  The Independent School League is made up of exclusive New England prep schools such as Groton School,  Middlesex School, and a passle of saints; St. George’s, St. Mark’s, St. Sebastian’s and Kerry’s alma mater, St. Paul’s in Concord, New Hampshire.

“Who you callin’ a middle-class mouth breather?”

Nils Beckwith, a spokesman for Prep School Defensemen for Truth who played for Governor Dummer Academy in Byfield, Mass., was blunt in his assessment of Kerry’s hockey skills.  “He was on the third line, a real lightweight.  He never scored off of me.”

Long the butt of jokes, now just “The Governor’s Academy”

Kerry staffers countered the group’s charges, saying they had been given extensive access to the Senator’s youth sports memorabilia in his Boston office, and that the hat trick claim was substantiated by a trophy that bore the inscription “Mini-Mites”.

“Buzz off–I’m gonna be President someday.”

USA Hockey  Recording Secretary Jim Lopresti could not confirm the significance of that award.  “Sounds more like a self-esteem kind of thing.  You know, everybody who shows up for the last game gets one.  For a hat trick it’s different–you get a little patch.  Kids put them on their jackets.”

Republican party officials seized on the controversy and vowed to examine Kerry’s other hockey statistics such as his plus/minus rating, the measure of a team’s overall effectiveness while a player is on the ice. 

“I don’t have my goalie mitt!”

In a statement that he read from the steps of his Beacon Hill townhouse, Kerry denounced the charges as politically motivated.  “Who among us hasn’t been thrilled by the sight of Bobby Esposito stopping a slap shot with his goalie mitt?  To turn hockey, a game of speed and beauty, into a partisan football is reprehensible.”

“Don’t be a puck hog!”

One fact Kerry’s supporters and detractors agree on: in four years of prep school hockey he never recorded an assist.   In response to a reporter’s question, Edward “Bink” Hollings, St. Paul’s hockey coach during the 60’s, conceded that “if John ever passed the puck, I didn’t see it.”